A Year in Pictures

The Wat in Ban Mi, first week of January

Outside the Wat, inspiration for my tattoo

The She-Devil, a thai ridgeback at Jeff's apartment, days before moving to Bangkok

Sukothai, during my visit to Jeff's

More of Sukothai

My room for the next few weeks (before moving into the dog's room) (worst mattress EVER)

Fancy wine out of a coffee mug... dinner at the Villa

Joom and Bluff at the swimming hole, February

My sanity, Banana Leaf

A bittersweet memory with Brew, early March

Visiting Stephanie mid-March before Koh Samui

One of my favorite dining memories for many reasons... but mainly the awful Som Tam.

I met a magical couple on this ferry ride to Koh Samui...

A Wat in Koh Samui

Our view of the archipelago with Ashley and her mom, Koh Samui

Lots of wonderful decisions were made on this day.

One of my very last nights in Thailand

Home Sweet Home (late March)

First weekend back, dog show with mom and Julie, here with Adele after her major!

Rescuing Monroe... April

Up the Mountains, Green Valley AZ Memorial Day

Grandma's 80th and my 28th!! Great birthday celebration with family!

A really memorable weekend of winning with Big Daddy (June)

My first Brewers game with my lover. Late July

The first home game of the year! Preseason football with my old work friends (August)

My 2nd ever Brewers game (September)

New apartment in September

A special hockey game in October :)

Home visits in October and November

The last (and most important) game of the year (December)

Babe, there's something wretched about this...

(That song is now in everything I do)

2014 was a year of extremes for sure.  New experiences on the other side of the globe. Familiar and unfortunate haunts reappearing. New jobs, old habits. New cities, old bedrooms. New friendships forged and old friendships burned to the ground.

The crushing agony of letting go of someone who has hurt you more than you'd ever like to admit.
The exhilaration of taking a journey by yourself and liking what you discover within.
The excitement of an opportunity that can only be described as destiny.
The fear of jumping into the unknown without a life preserver and knowing that failure is not an option.

It's really easy to get caught up in the day to day grievances we all face. Not enough money, not enough time, not enough sleep, not enough fresh air and vegetables. Too much stress, too much driving, too much pizza and cheap wine. (Okay, you can never have too much pizza, but I should probably spring for the better wine next time.)  But you didn't have to spend the first three months of 2014 living in Thailand to be able to step back and look upon your life in awe. Let's be honest, most of you shared those months with me, and they weren't very glamorous.

I have found that when I get so caught up in those "not enoughs," just like everyone else out there, we become filled with anxiety and envy. We think other people have it better, and we completely forget what all we have done. The reality is that, everyone can choose to let those "not enoughs" weigh them down and become the voice that they hear every day.  Everyone can look at someone else and want what they have instead.  The people who are able to find and maintain peace in their life find a way to remind themselves that each path is blessed, each path is divine, each path is beautiful in its own wretched way.

To think that at any point in the last several months I have become down or depressed... I shiver at the ignorance.  How could I have ever let such negativity take root?  My GOD! 2014 was a year unlike any other, beyond comprehension. It certainly had its trials. But in those trials were lessons SO profound, I think I can only start to feel their magnitude. Lessons that are so blindingly beautiful and powerful, much like the sun, if I stare into them for too long I will lose all sight. I need to just close my eyes and soak them up, remind myself of them, and continue on.

I came home from Thailand with a centeredness and calm that I needed to carry me through the challenges that presented themselves in the spring and summer.  At points, I lost sight of that calm and I lost my ability to realize that I can protect myself from much of this unease that comes into our lives.  I am very fortunate to have found it again, to have found that strength within myself to say No to something that brings more harm than good.

Life really is beautiful, if you allow it to be...if you give yourself the chance to see the beauty of your own path instead of finding its shortcomings as compared to another.

From Eden, Hozier

Babe
There's something tragic about you
Something so magic about you
Don't you agree?

Babe
There's something lonesome about you
Something so wholesome about you
Get closer to me

No tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony
No 'who cares', no vacant stares, no time for me

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Babe, there's something wretched about this
Something so precious about this
Oh what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me
A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to hide outside your door

Songwriters
ANDREW HOZIER BYRNE

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Read more: HOZIER - From Eden Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Smiles

Great friends. It's the answer. 

To why we try. To why it's worth it. To how we get through.

Friends who say something to you once that stays with you for years. Friends who know what we are thinking before we are even comfortable admitting that is what we are thinking. Friends who need you as much as you need them. I have been blessed to have so many of these amazing people in my life, and each one of you is such an incredibly beautiful person. I am so thankful to have met you.

Shit's About to Get Personal

I'm sorry I trust too quickly, and I'm sorry I genuinely give everyone the benefit of the doubt. That combination can be deadly.

I'm sorry I expect human beings to be decent to one another, and I'm sorry I expect to be treated like an adult, as I promise to treat you.

I'm sorry that when I realize I am uninterested in dating someone further, I tell them right away so as to not lead them on or waste their time.  Weird that I would think treating people with decency, honesty, and respect that nourishes open communication is the way to start a solid relationship.

I'm sorry I have no time for cyber-only relationships...of any kind. Meet me or stop wasting my time and excitement levels.

I'm sorry I understand my own emotions and expect the same of others. I'm sorry I expect to be able to open up to someone and have them open up to me. I'm sorry I think vulnerability is a part of getting to really know they people you are building relationships with.

(Originally written ~Sept 2014, modified December 2014)

Wanderlust

I wish Jennifer Aniston wasn't in a movie by this title, because it is one of my favorite words. Wanderlust. A strong, innate desire to wander about the world. I talked with my neighbor Beau about this sensation, this itch in the "soul" of your foot. He moved his family to Alaska not long after that. I took off for Thailand. And now...

Life in Milwaukee is truly better than I ever imagined. It would be even better with more money to enjoy downtown life, but I am doing alright for myself. But that itch is back. Hopefully it can be quenched by a weekend roadtrip or something, because the future is looking bleak for travel.

Growing up and getting an 8-5 is retarded.  I DO NOT recommend it for those who, like me, get bored with monotony. This not say that I do not like my job...I love my job. I am doing quite well in my job. I look forward to work everyday as well as solving problems for people. I enjoy my commute with the radio and my thoughts. But I think I thought I would appreciate the sameness more than I in fact do.

This girl needs to go see some new horizons.

(originally written ~Sept. 2014, modified December 2014)

Don't Expect this to be Cheery

Any time a writer goes a long time between writing, the new piece of work likely begins "where to begin?"  Why should this blog post be any different?

I could say that this has been an especially trying month... but it hasn't exactly been hard for me personally. Just everyone I love. And being one of those sad saps who cries over the pain of others, I suppose that is what made it hard for me, impersonally. One person I love dearly was diagnosed with a crippling, terrible, uncurable disease. Not just a person I love, but one of the truest, most kind-hearted, beautiful souls I have ever met. Another person I love lost, by my count, his fifth close friend in ten years and before he turned 31. Not just friends, close friends. If you count friends he is up to at least ten. And most recently, another person I love dearly discovered the ultimate betrayal. The person they love the most not only cheated physically, but emotionally too.

All of this bad stuff naturally is enough to make a person stop and think. It makes me lose faith in humanity. It makes me lose hope. It makes me stop believing in trying. And then I snap out of it for a day or two and realize that being melodramatic gets you no where.

And then I start drinking wine and get the urge to write, and all those negative feelings come rushing back.

And then I turn on some Christmas programming and I am overwhelmed with my love for humanity, at least momentarily.

It's exciting being me, I definitely never get bored.

That damn song by Tim McGraw came on the radio when I was leaving work... Live Like You Are Dying. I was sobbing... sobbing and driving, the greatest of combinations.

So what has happened in the life of Kozy since last writing?? Well.... Let me tell you. I am kicking ass and taking names at work. Or at least that's what I tell my parents. It is in fact going well. This job remains the only job to keep me challenged and I continue learning things everyday. I know more about contracts and inspections than any one person ever expected to know.

I started writing that blog about my dating life... I even published a few.  And then I became insanely depressed about how depressing it all has been, and continues to be.  Let's talk about modern age dating for a moment.  Frankly, technology has ruined love for our generation and I believe, for generations to come. No one cares enough to stick it out and fight anymore. Everyone cheats. Everyone is dating 5 people at once. If one person doesn't live up to your outrageous expectations, you swipe a few times on your phone and meet someone new.  If you do actually meet someone you enjoy spending time with, don't tell them how you really feel. Most people in our generation don't know what they are feeling, let alone how to articulate it.  So discussing what you are feeling just scares the shit out of the modern 20 something.  Most people in our generation don't even know how to communicate, let alone communicate about emotions. They have spent too much time staring at a screen to know how to interact with human beings. What a concept: open communication. How crazy of a thought is it to be honest, up front, and genuine? Apparently, quite crazy.

Luckily for me, I have literally the most normal, supportive, amazing family to walk the earth. Nothing like the holiday season to bring out all the family hating memes.  I didn't realize how much I loved my family until I started to see how much everyone else hates theirs.

Along with my badass family comes my badass dogs. Aside from having to walk them all the time... which gets a little old on those super cold mornings... they are what keeps me smiling. Literally every single day they make me laugh and giggle. And they keep me warm at night. And they keep me out of trouble. And they help me keep the calories from these glasses of wine off the stomach region. But for how amazing our four-legged friends are... they sure have this awful habit of leaving us before we are ready.

The good news is, it is almost guaranteed the next blog will be more chipper.

Air Signs Know Best

I realized earlier today that I had enough thoughts to put together any entry into the ol' bloggy blog.  Life has been a whirlwind of change for me lately. I would be lying to say that it has all been a smooth process. In keeping true to my nature, I chose to make my move to Milwaukee truly as complicated as I possibly could. This includes moving in multiple phases (3, assuming I can move all my goods at one time, otherwise we are looking at 4+), adding a far away dog show with way too many obligations to way too many people, squeezing in a last minute camping trip, and waiting to organize the room I was leaving behind until precisely the last minute.  Additionally, my car decided that now would be a good time to start acting up after seven steadfast and wonderful years such that last minute diagnostics were required and still continue to be an issue. I would be remiss to neglect to mention how certain aspects of dog breeding have also created an atmosphere of warfare lately, because certainly when one is on the precipice of a life-altering move or career change, they should engage in futile arguments with narrow minded individuals of which one can never win using logic. Also, I thought this would be a good time to switch birth control methods, sending my hormones into panic mode, replicating the death spiral of a kamikaze pilot.  And lastly, I also presumed that the best time to quit smoking is when your life is in complete chaos and you have been uprooted from everything you know to be true. Yes, welcome to the world of an air sign. :)

However, in light of all this chaos, I have had some really profound moments that lead to some blog inducing thoughts. One of those thoughts was how easy it really can be to remove some stress from your life, even when faced with said precipice.  One such method is deleting people from your life (e.g. the Facebook) and simply stopping communication between yourself and them. Simple. Effective. Instant win. Another method is to just drink a beer and think about how good you have it and how much better things are going to be in a short amount of time.  But perhaps my favorite method for reducing stress is spending time with my mom, and just being really frank about how almost none of the bullshit that bogs us down even matters.  When these such conversations occur on the eve of those life-altering precipices, you allow yourself the ability to free your mind before jumping.  Free minds grant you the freedom to enjoy the view.

Week one of city dwelling and commuting and working 8-5 and learning the equivalent of Mandarin if you have never bought a home and trying to impress the new bosses and team and trying to be a good roommate and sleeping on a floor and waking up around 6 and ALL THE OTHER THINGS that come with this move is nearly behind me.  I love it.  I am being challenged at work finally and I am thriving. I am learning things way ahead of schedule. My only frustration is not being able to learn more.  I love being among the beautiful old buildings and gorgeous views of this city, yet still near parks and rivers and the lake.  Milwaukee truly is beautiful. Moving and starting a new life has also forced me to eat better, due to lack of funds, energy, and time to do otherwise.  This makes me extremely proud which in turn boosts everything else.

The romantic side of my life has also been extremely interesting lately, but definitely not in any productive manner. I have decided that, for the benefit of everyone else, I will be starting an anonymous dating blog.  Since it's anonymous you won't know about it until I am rich and famous, but I will tell you this: if you stumble across a blog that is written by a 20 something in Milwaukee that makes you laugh your ass off and doubt 95% of what the writer is sharing, you may have found it.  It is that ridiculous.

Retitled to something PC and Boring

This afternoon started with great anticipation.

It was followed by frustration...which ultimately led to disappointment.

And then I just thought, "Hell... I'm going to go have some fun." Shoot some pool. Drink some drinks. Hang out with my parents. Talk to the neighbors. Enjoy the company of others.

What I discovered is that I had a lot of fun, and I was able to walk away from a feeling of "unworthiness," and experience feelings of satisfaction.  I realize that drunkenly making correlations between this and anything more is a risky thing to do, but I am going to do it anyway.

Live your life. Don't sit around and wait. Don't sit and spew and let negativity bring you down. Find things that make you happy and do them. Let your dad share his high school memories of ridiculous songs (check out Skunk Dead in The Middle Of a Road for my exact example) and enjoy them.  Share stories and grow. Help your neighbors realize there is more to life, even if they might not remember it in the morning. Stand up for yourself and your last three years of questionable decisions if you believe that what you were doing was right at the time, even when doing so offends your best friend at the moment, because best friends will eventually understand. Listen to really good music and talk about how those songs affected you when you first heard them.

And then come home and listen to more good music and share it with others. Then sit down and write about the entire experience.

More than once today I had to remind myself, out loud, while driving in my car, that I have a lot of really good things to happy and positive about. I had to remind myself that the cliche of everything happening for a reason is a cliche FOR A REASON.  Luckily, I drive mainly on quiet highways, so there was no one nearby to comment on the crazy person talking to herself. And you know what??? Sometimes, I DO answer myself. So if that makes me certifiable, so be it. Sometimes you have to hear things out loud to believe them.

It's been a while...

There's really no excuse for not writing sooner.  I had planned to write a sort of summary of my experience in Thailand, but then, you know, life happened.

It's still hard for me to answer the question, "How was your trip?"  "It was amazing," is what I generally feel a blanket question like that deserves for an answer, but upon saying that I immediately feel guilty about not saying more.  It wasn't a trip, for starters. It was a mind blowing experience.  And how was it? What do you expect as an answer??  Do you really think I am going to say "it was lame," because, if so, you are an idiot.

Anyway, I don't really know WHAT to say about it. There are moments where I feel like it is all slipping away, like it was some illusion or intense dream.  And then a friend will share an article or show me a link, and paging through those pictures brings back memories that reassure me I really did just do all that.  It's hard to describe in one conversation how my experience "was."  I mean, we could talk about the differences in culture, the differences in time schedules, the differences in health/safety/sanitation/driving/building codes or regulations, or rather, the complete lack thereof. We could talk about the things I saw and the places I went. We could talk about how Buddhism permeates every aspect of their lives. We could talk about my view of the education system. We could talk about the islands and their beauty, the friendliness of the locals, the always exciting and surprising cuisine. We could talk about some of my dumb moments in Bangkok, but then you will probably judge me and be shocked that I made it out alive. We could talk about the politics, but really, after everything I saw and experienced, THAT'S what you want to talk about?? Ugh... I mean, I gladly will, because I understand it well, but you could read that shit on the internet.

The fact of the matter is that 87% of everyone asking doesn't give a real damn about it, they just want to hear that I had fun, hear that I thought it was worthwhile, and then they want to move on. They don't want to be reminded about the fact that they have never done anything so exciting. So... I usually just say, "It was amazing, truly. I am very blessed to have gone." And that settles it.

So, the next question on everyone's mind is: "What's next for ya?" Or, even better, "what have you been doing since you got back?"  I have found that depending on who asks this question, they are getting at one of two things. 1) Now that you slacked off for the last half a year, are you going to get serious with your life or go somewhere else and slack off some more? or 2) Did you actually figure anything out about the rest of your life, or are you just as confused as when you left?  For the first 6 weeks of my return to America, the answer to either would be a loud "I don't know!!!" Only very recently have things started to come into focus.

I found myself waiting, and waiting....and waiting.  Wondering what to do, waiting to see what would happen. Waiting to see if my boss wanted me to come back, waiting to see if something better would come along. Waiting to see if my brain would sort itself out on its own. Waiting to see if the haze of depression would subside.  Waiting to see if I would want to leave or if I would want to stay. Waiting to see if there was anything for me in Northern Wisconsin or if it truly was time to find a new city.  Waiting to see if friendships would ever really return to normal. Waiting to see if people would pull their heads out of the their asses. Waiting.

I had half a dozen obstacles present themselves within the first weeks (even days) of coming home.  Drama with people, issues with dogs, crazy hoarders and a frenzy of drama sorting through all that. Life seemed like this absurd movie with no real plot, one that you walk away from scratching your head, confused and tired. But then, the dust started to settle; I removed myself from the drama that was removable from, I started working a little bit, and I started to see through the haze of the post-adventure depression.  Things started coming into perspective and making sense.

And then Tuesday evening happened.

Sitting at the computer, I entered the dog show which I had waited until the absolute last minute to decide on, and then I opened my email.  There it was, my invitation back to Thailand. Just sitting there like this golden apple, waiting to be plucked off its tree.  That night a few hours later he called, and rather than rationally discussing how things would BE if I went back, I just hurriedly agreed to returning to the country in less than two weeks, what would now be next Monday.  I ran downstairs and filled mom in on the details and then raced back upstairs to cancel my entry to the dog show, since I would now be out of the country that weekend. I emailed a handful of people, posted to facebook about an exciting phone call, and then rethought it and deleted it since I didn't even have a plane ticket yet.  I definitely got mixed reviews. Some people were happy for me, others were completely confused.  Whatever, I didn't care, I finally got asked back!

And then not even two days later, one of the "real" jobs I had applied to while I was sorting out my life in the previous weeks called me for an interview.  Well SHIT!!! Now what do I do?!  I knew enough to call them back to schedule the interview, but the question remained, what do I WANT to do?  It took several days to sort through it all once again.  As a 28 year old, how could I pass up a career job, one that seemed tailor made for me and my experience in the professional world?  One that offered real long term potential and would serve as an excellent stepping stone into the career that I was so longing to start pursuing. So, I emailed my boss in Thailand and told him plans would have to be paused until I knew if I was going to get this job or not. And that's where I stand today.

The last ten weeks have been a whirlwind. I am not even sure how in the hell June is almost half over.  If only winter went this quickly, right?  Most of those weeks were spent in an odd state of suspension, uncertain of my footing as I toyed with my next move.  But things are starting to feel concrete again, so here's to that! It's always a good sign when I start writing again. ;)

Preparing for Goodbye and Considering Hello

Three weeks ago, I bought my ticket home. I was ready.  The 2^nd case of homesickness hadn’t worn off and I was struggling in my job.  It was too much; being disconnected from everyone, not living the life I had imagined, but instead being trapt within the confines of our gated community day in and day out.  No one to talk to, no time to visit, no light at the end of the tunnel.  The promises that had been made seemed like they would never come true, and if they did it would be months down the road. So I had to weigh everything: was I prepared to wait that long? The answer at the time was a resounding “no!”

At first my boss was 100% supportive. He understood how I felt, understood the isolation. But then after a few days, he started trying to convince me to stay.  Not knowing that my ticket was already purchased, he tried with great fervor. And dammit, it started to work.  And then--the dog show.  FINALLY!!!! I met my “family” in Thailand; I met the team that I was supposed to have met months before.  The first day wasn’t as successful as I had imagined, but the 2^nd day certainly was a lot better, but the success of the show didn't even really matter when I was surrounded by my new family. Everyone was so supportive and familiar, like kindred souls reunited. I loved every single one of them from the moment we were introduced.  

Two days later, I was crying my heartfelt goodbyes to the dogs, rather silly really, since I knew I would be back to see them again.  I was off to Samui for some much needed R&R.  I had assumed that this week would give me time to sort through emotions.  I'm not exactly sure what happened. Naturally, I fell in love with the island, which made falling in love with Thailand again much easier.  I spent hours every day relaxing in the sun, reading good books, spending time with some truly Amazing people.  I never wanted to leave the island, that is for sure.  Words absolutely cannot do justice to the beauty of those waters. At least not my words, but maybe another author could capture their glory.  Of course, I knew this wasn't the sort of place I could live forever, even if I did want to come back, but it was the kind of place that makes you remember why you fell in love in the first place. Before I knew it, that week was over and I was flying back to Bangkok to wrap up my life in Thailand and say all the "real" goodbyes. 

It was two days later, if I had to pick a moment, that I realized the feeling growing in my heart was melancholy. I made the mistake of going to the 2^nd dog show “just to watch and say goodbye.”  Once again reminded of how much I enjoyed these people and the almost comically relaxed style of dog shows here, I felt my heart start to weep.  As I was trying to leave the show, it suddenly hit me with all of its force: I wasn’t ready to call it quits on Thailand.  It didn't help that literally everyone there wouldn't LET me leave, even withholding hugs so I would be forced to return the next day.  I began realizing I had worked too damn hard over the past five months to go home and never use those skills again (the ‘coping with Thailand’ skills).  I spoke with a couple of my new friends and they assured me that I was a valued part of the team. So then I spoke with Aea and he assured me there was always a spot for me if I chose to take it.  Returning suddenly seemed like less of an option and more of a guarantee.

All that was left was speaking with my boss if this was what I truly wanted to do.  I had five days to think and prepare. 

At one point on Sunday, the reality of leaving hit me again with such force I wept uncontrollably next to some poor chap on the couch at the hostel. My dear friend Chase had just said good bye, and our friend Rosa had lost herself on the street. Faced with so much emotion and the overwhelming feeling growing inside of me, I fell apart too. The guy on the couch was just trying to read his book, and there I was, silently weeping away a few inches from him. To be fair, that’s what you get for sitting in the MIDDLE of the couch. Dammit.

Rosa and I went out again, trying to squelch that feeling with whiskey, and I think we managed quite well. We definitely scored some memories and quotable lines that I have a feeling will stick with us both for many years.  The next day I had planned to leave to see my old landlord again, but I stayed and went out with one of my dog show friends.  More whiskey, insane trance clubs, and hours of dancing.... Then a sudden jolting wake-up from house keeping at 11am.  I had to get up to Ban Mi to see Pai Lyn again before I left for America the next evening.  I made my way through Bangkok, boarded the van, making my familiar trek north one last time.  Pai Lyn had known I was coming, but had lost my number and I hers, so we hadn't spoken in weeks. I surprised her for sure, and discovered that she has not been doing so well. My visit was impeccably timed.  Once more we shared stories and compared emotions that made our 40 year age difference seem like it was non-existent.  She herself was lost and unsure of what to do, where to hang her hat and call home.  Finally, I was back on a bus to the city, my final day of preparation before meeting with my boss. Did I want to stay? What would I say?  The answer seemed quite obvious, that yes, I was certain I needed to come back.  But the act of meeting with him seemed so... final.

It was supposed to happen at my boss's house after exercising the dogs one “last” time, but instead he called, stuck at the office. So sweaty, been-traveling-all-day Kayla reboarded the public transit and made her way to the fancy office that houses my boss 70 hours a week.  I was nervous for about two minutes, but then I remembered how much I enjoy this man, and we proceeded to banter for over an hour.  Of course I was welcome to stay! It is just up to me to decide where I want to focus my energy.  I told him my boys need to come with me, and I need to show.  Beyond that, I would work/go to school/whatever I could find time for. I just wasn’t ready to say good bye for good yet. Of course, because he is Kachorn, he was already looking years ahead. As we speak in the coming weeks, I will need to try to encourage him to slow down. Let’s get a plan, get me there, and then see how life unfolds. Saying good-bye to Joom was equally hard, and she was definitely not satisfied with a “hopefully.”  Seems that regardless of our language barrier, we have forged a friendship. 

My mom, poor mom, has already reacted to my state of “not knowing” with complete confusion. “Aren’t you ready?” she asked in disbelief.  I'm sure if I had had a chance to talk to my dad he would have reacted with the same incredulous confusion. As indicated by my last blog, most of my friends and family haven't been clued into the way my heart has shifted over the last month. The last we spoke, I felt isolated and lied to.  They don't realize that I had time to sort through that, that I had time to discover I wasn't lied to but rather I was working on a different schedule.

I miss my family more than words can ever express… I miss sitting at home watching football, eating dinner together, bathing dogs while mom grooms.  I miss running to the grocery store with mom and accidentally spending $100 too much.  I miss the way my parents bicker. I miss hanging out at Nick’s house, sometimes barely talking, other times helping him solve the mystery that is the cabinets.  I miss the craziness of Nate’s house and running around exhausted with the girls, and sneaking hugs from Henry.  

Part of me wants to believe that all of those things are all I need, and when I go home I will be happy there. I have been trying to sort out what I am doing with my life all this time, and staying home just never was the answer however.   I also know that I don’t have many years left where I can excusably run off to Thailand to work for this family. It’s now or never.  And the five months I have spent here just don’t seem like enough time anymore.  Before I buy another ticket, however, I want to go home and just…breathe. Decide after I have had time to think.  But as I sit here writing this, I know all that is really left to do is sort out the raw details of my return.

Just a Quick Note

I promise to finish my blog that is currently minimized and get more words out there of the subject of why I am having such a hard time with coming home in the very near future. But right now I am in the midst of some of my last travels, and I only have time to post this short blurb. Deal with it. PS-  I love you.


Relationships. Who thought my latest lesson from Thailand would be about them?  Not me!  My “relationship” with Thailand has many similarities with those more common relationships, you know, those with people.  Just as with a boyfriend, our friends and family never hear the good stuff. It’s when things are rocky that we vent.  When we are happy we are either too busy in our bliss to stop to talk, or we feel too guilty about our joy to share it with around us who seem less happy.  We might get a quick gushing out there about how in love you are, but the eye rolls usually quiet those moments rather quickly. That’s how it’s been here. I haven’t found time to write lately because I have been in the inexplicable state of bliss. And given how miserable I was a few short weeks ago, I can only imagine that the reaction from my friends and family when I tell them I want to come back here will be similar to the reaction I would get if I announced my engagement to one of my loser exes. So be it.

Live life for you, right???

On that note, I gotta go! More words later, and then before you know it, I will be home!!! For a little while, anyway! ;)

Smile, you are only Human

Yesterday, I was sitting here in the middle of writing a blog about how bad my week has been when a message alert popped up from facebook. I ignored it, finishing my thoughts. After posting the blog, I went to the message.  It was from a friend of mine in Thailand who shares the same agent as me, back when I still had an agent anyway. She was writing to tell me that our agent's husband had passed away about a month ago in a car accident. And to top it off, our agent is pregnant.  It was one of those things you read and shake your head, blink your eyes, then read it again. I couldn't believe this. I had met this man, spent an entire day with him. He was amazing. Kind, considerate, very interested in learning more about me and my family. He and his wife took me out to lunch on our two hour drive to my new city. They took every opportunity on that drive to teach me something about anything, whether they even realized it or not. It was he who first demonstrated just how important the Buddha is to everyone, wai-ing a statue inside a temple as we drove past.  He helped me with my contract, showed me around the school, and then even carried my heavy bags up three flights of stairs into my new apartment.  As if that wasn't enough, he bought a lock for my bike before leaving that day.  I never saw him again, and only spoke with my agent rarely since that first day. But both of them always served as shining examples of true Thai friendliness and eagerness to help a newcomer. Needless to say, I turned right back around and deleted that post. Perspective shows up in very strange ways. I sure hope Aom is able to be surrounded by those who love her and can help her through this time.

Reflecting upon the human nature to complain, to expect people to do things for us, and any number of other less than desirable traits we all possess, I had this thought.  Even though we constantly struggle against the ego in our quest for growth, the ego is a part of us. As humans, we all have this dualistic nature to our minds. Freud went a step further to say there are three parts, but this isn't a lesson in psychology, so we are ignoring that. But if we are fragments of a higher being, or were born in his image, or we are highly evolved creatures, no matter what you believe, you have to believe that having this higher self as well as this nuisance of the ego was intentional.  Maybe it is simply to challenge us.  I think that a fear many of us who are in search of enlightenment or spiritual growth have is that every time we act less than zen-like we are not succeeding in that goal. But I want to challenge that and say that, as humans, we were born with this ego that makes us falter, and I would imagine it was for a reason. I think that as long as we can be aware of those moments, we are in fact succeeding.  We are, after all, only human. We might be much greater than this human body, but this is the form that we exist in today, complete with all of its glory and all of its flaws.

Again with the damn raking

I really enjoy the quote "You may not always end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be."  It's one of those things I try to live by, but, being human, I sometimes stumble and struggle to see the value in where I have landed. 

While I was raking the flowers that fall continuously from this tree up front I realized a couple of things: first, that I have all my inspired thoughts while raking these days, and second, that maybe that is EXACTLY why I am here. Back to my most about Karate Kid, it's hard to see the value in something so menial and frustrating, but it gives my mind both the power to be blank and empty, meditation like, and the power to really delve into some deep and inspiring thoughts. Sometimes these two things flicker back and forth with each swing of the rake, but more often than not I hit on something deep, and my mind really becomes powerful in those moments. It's not my ego, it's my conscious self, being present in the moment and appreciating what is happening and the wisdom that I believe I am obtaining.  I don't think I ever would have encountered this deep of a level of spiritual growth if I wasn't here, raking leaves, flowers, and anything else that doesn't belong on top of the sand.

A few nights ago, I was watching Jim Carrey talk about how he found his higher self and experienced this pure joy and satisfaction with life, and then, being human, lost it. And how he has been working to get back to that moment ever since; "Sometimes I am riding the wave, and sometimes I have fallen off."  I related so whole-heartedly with this statement. It seems like an eternity ago already that I first connected with that part of me, although, calling it a part of me doesn't really suffice, since it is something greater than me entirely, but anyway, I digress. I connected and I was able to really grasp the LOA and make it work for me.  I was able to be present in the moment and connect with my inner energy at any moment in time. And then I went through a period of almost two years where I let "reality" bring me down off that wave.  During these past few weeks, I have experienced my epiphanies, and again, my ego, or the "reality" of it all, tried to talk me out of them.  And of course that ego is strong and successful, because it is a part of your mind, it knows you well. It knows what arguments to make that will be the most effective.  It is always struggling for control over your higher consciousness, and quite often it is able to win that battle. Again, while raking, I thought to myself, "I cannot wait to have children, to teach them these shreds of wisdom early on. Nothing against my upbringing," I thought, "what a boring life it would be to known all these lessons long ago."  It's not like my kids will be 11 and these zen Buddhas, but maybe as they enter their twenties and start on their own spiritual paths, it will be words of empowerment over their ego nature that will call out to them.  Or maybe they will think I am a nut job and vow to put me in an old folks home when I am elderly, one never knows. But that dose of "reality," that feeling of, "you can't do that because it costs too much money, or takes too much time," those thoughts really mess with a person and their personal success and development. 

A few posts ago I vowed to not get so deep. Well, to hell with that. I am been struggling with not censoring myself on here, but it is a constant battle. I don't necessarily think I need to write about every thought I have and what happens as those thoughts change, which I feel like I may have done a little, but I do enjoy being able to share my growth with people.  And as it turns out, some of the people reading are complete strangers. How exciting is that?

Pendulum

I haven't been very diligent or faithful about keeping this up to date. I suppose it's because most of my days are the same as all the days before. But even if they are the same in routine, the thoughts that run through my mind are constantly changing and developing. 

Lately, I have been able to find time in my mornings and afternoons for boatloads of studying online. It keeps my mind sharp, which when working a mundane job as I am seems rather important these days. I've been diving into more of the Quantum physics side of the consciousness, and each link that I click leads me to seven more I want to explore.  Currently, I have four videos in open tabs waiting their turn.  It always excites me to find connectedness between them, to hear something referenced that you just learned about or that makes you want to learn more about that something new. In this process, a few old jems have popped up, like The Secret movie in its entirety. I've read the book several times, misplaced it, and have thought about purchasing it again. Watching the movie was a great reminder of how I need to refocus my energy and put any negative thoughts aside.  It also made it even more clear that I need to keep digging deeper to find what I truly WANT in life, because the not knowing it creating a cycle of not knowing.  I love reflecting back upon little actions that all brought me to this "studying."  It wasn't like I sat down bored one day and googled quantum consciousness. It all came to me in bits and pieces which is truly magical when you think about it.

I sometimes feel like I am attached to a 12-hour pendulum, wanting to stay and start a future here on one end, frantically searching for my credit card and low fares home on the other.  Over the last couple days I was able to have some awesome Skype chats with two of my closest friends from freshman year of college, and we talked about all sorts of crazy happenings. Being able to connect like that settles the pendulum down and helps me to feel comfortable in the present moment. I really appreciate anything these days that can help me with that feeling.

That's all for now. Nothing terribly insightful, my apologies. :)

Today's Perspective

I realized yesterday that this blog was getting way too heavy.  Good writing or not, it needed to come down.

My thought of the day, or at least of the morning:

"When the alternative is dropping a bag of pee onto the floor, breaking it, thus spewing nasty, stale filth onto your feet, legs, and the surrounding carpet, raking leaves doesn't seem so bad."

Also, I am on a mission to say more things out loud today than yesterday, wherein for the first 8 hours of my day I had only uttered a hostile, albeit empty threat of strangulation and the gentle cooing of "who's my smelly butt?"  So far I have succeeded, even if my words spoken out loud have once again gone mostly unanswered.

3 More Things That I've Learned

Turns out that the secret to avoiding knee pain for me isn’t jogging less or jogging slower, it’s running faster. Straight up running. Beagle in pursuit speed to be exact. Lucky for me, they are always in pursuit of something and as soon as I start to hate running, they stop to pee. We make a great team.  :) No, this does not mean there are 5ks in my future, and I certainly have no aspirations for half marathons or anything stupid like that. (No offense to all my lovely running friends.)  It does, however, possibly mean that I will enjoy jogging with my own dogs back home, something I never thought I would do because of my knees. This excites me!  (Again, just to be clear, it’s not the running that excites me. Don’t get confused.)

Another thing that I learned in the last 48 hours is that drinking an entire bottle of Chardonnay during two rounds of Irish Poker (after drinking several Changs on tap, and followed up with some good ol’ Scotch) WILL, in fact, result in random overloading of the emotional sensors in one’s brain. I’m going to try really hard to not learn that lesson twice.

I never watched the entire Karate Kid movie, but I caught enough of it to get the whole “wax on wax off” bit.  I found myself comparing my situation to the kid’s, wondering in bewilderment what value I am getting from raking the god damn fucking leaves every day and washing my clothing by hand.  “This isn’t what I came here for,” I thought. “I was sought out, to do big things, to take the purebred dog world of Thailand by storm. Not to rake fucking leaves!”  And even though the movie’s plot varies in several key ways (I for one, have never painted a fence), it made me smile and remember that the important lessons aren’t always the ones we plan on learning.   Sometimes the big lessons creep up on you in various forms of frustration and desperation, and then smack you in the face as you stare at the dirty water left over from your clothes.  Sometimes you think you are going off to do something incredible and instead you have to find the incredibleness for yourself, buried away in the mundane. Life is funny like that.  I'm still not entirely sure why I am here, and maybe it is only to realize just that--life usually doesn't follow that plan you have in your head, but maybe if you hang in there long enough it can become something beyond your expectations completely.

Jack, my favorite running partner

Felix the cat (Actually named Tong Luan, or Yellow Gold)

Jail time

Bobby, aka the Beagle version of Leinie

Mr. Bluff in rare form (running)

The ugly twins: Simui and his evil sister Simulan

This fat nugget is my baby Banana Leaf (By Cru-ai)

Lotus Leaf (By Bua)

Bluff doing what he loves most.

Bluff was kind enough to strike this lovely pose for me :)

The hardest dog to photograph but easiest to love, Mr. Blue

Look at me! Pet Me! LOVE ME!!