Perspective

I was frustrated that, once again, no one showed up for class, so I left after waiting for 20 minutes to make my way back to the office. I had waited for thirty minutes for the last class to show up after the assembly, but of course no one did.

A student stops me on the stairs and I am able to ascertain that she is from the class I was waiting for.  At the same time another teacher walks up and decides she needs to translate, and basically tells me I didn't wait long enough. UGH!  Had I never come back from waiting I wouldn't have met the girl, but trying to explain this is wasted energy.

Anyway, I head back down to the picnic tables where my class has been the whole time, and after checking everyone in, I thought, well crap, what do we do with less than half the class period left and no chalkboard. No one has the worksheet from last week, so I decided to spend the remaining thirty minutes just trying to talk to them.

And that is when that beautiful thing called perspective hit me smack in the face.

I was pleased at how easily we communicated in this smaller informal setting, they understood my slower voice with much ease.  Two girls in particular, the one who caught me in the hall and her friend, were really interested in knowing more about me than the basic "do you have a faen? (boyfriend)."  And I was interested in learning about them, a rare opportunity it seems since most of my energy is spent controlling the unruly students during classtime instead of having conversations with the brightest ones.

Turns out Ban Mi Wittaya has 38 girls from across the country who live on school grounds to be a part of our famous volleyball team. They have traveled to Russia, China, Vietnam, Korea.... but not without cost. The two girls I was speaking with wake up every morning, school or no school, at 5 am.  They jog, even though they hate it. And when they are done with their run, they practice their skills until it's time to get ready for class.  Then, when school is over, they practice for hours more, and by nighttime they can be seen riding their bicycles around for more exercise.

They have not seen their families in a year. They are 16 and 17 years old.

These girls were recruited to play volleyball for our "high school." And they have contracts to fulfill. The 17 year old still has two years left to play for Ban Mi Wittaya, and the 16 year old has four years left.

My volleyball girls and me

I was so stunned I didn't even know what to say to them, other than wow.  They seemed happy enough, other than the jogging part. Who was I to judge?  My heart aches for them, but maybe it shouldn't? Maybe this is an amazing opportunity that will provide futures for them that they never dreamed of. I'm trying to see it that way, any how. Either way, what an amazing thirty minutes. :)

Merry Christmas and I'm Sorry

It's hard to believe it's Christmas Day. Have I really been here nearly two months already? Christmas came without presents or decorations, without a prime rib feast... much like the Christmas from the Grinch movie I showed my students last week.  It certainly isn't snowing out, but it is cold here by Thai standards.  And even for me, I have acclimated enough that this 65F breeze is bone chilling.  To top off the lack of holiday spirit, I am sick. Oh joy.

Back home, Christmas is my favorite. I love how festive people get, I love how friendly people become. I love opening presents with my nieces and nephew. I love preparing a big meal with my mom and listening to overplayed holiday jingles. I love to bake cookies and eat too many of them.  Without any of this it is hard to believe it is already that time of the year!

No one owes happiness to any of us, and no one can create that happiness except for ourselves. Most days lately, I have been doing amazing in this department.  I have savored every drop of happiness and found joy in the smallest of packages.  I've learned to embrace difficulty and find the humor in it.  But missing my White Christmas movie tradition with my mom, or missing my dad quote every line from A Christmas Story... these things are hard.  Sometimes I forget that it was my decision to be alone, that it was my decision to move half way around the world.  When I do forget, it's easy to get mad and to wish that people tried harder. And for that, I am sorry. Luckily, I usually snap out of those feelings pretty quickly. After all, it was I who moved away, it was I who decided to embark on this journey.  It is up to me to find happiness and feel belonging. This is my struggle, not yours. 

So even though it's hard to breathe and I feel like death warmed over, I am going to try harder to smile today.  It might not feel like Christmas to me, all alone in Thailand, but it most certainly is. And I can be happy knowing that children are waking up in a few hours to gleefully open gifts in their adorable pajamas with their messy, uncombed hair.  I can be happy knowing that, while I am not enjoying some "rare roast beast," the people I love are.  And even if I am not with the people I love, and even if I sometimes feel like I have no idea what it going on in their world, I will be happy knowing that they love me and that they think of me.

I love you all!! Merry Christmas and thank you for reading! 

A Perfect Weekend

...falling asleep to peepers
...waking up to birds singing
...leisurely sipping coffee and eating buttered toast on the patio
...being spied on like a celebrity by passers-by and smiled at for huddling in a blanket just like them
...meeting more locals who are now unafraid of approaching me because of who I moved in with
...being told I have made Pi Lyn very happy, and that she isn't lonely anymore
...walking to the van station and being greeted by my students and the attendants as if I have lived here my whole life, then joking with them about where I was going as if I spoke perfect Thai
...being asked to sit up front in the minivan ;-)
...jamming to Bob Dylan's Highway 51 Blues, thinking about how more than once in my life my front door was just steps from Hwy 51 just like the words in the song
...smiling the whole way to Bangkok
...remembering how much stress travel used to cause and enjoying how simple it had become for me here
...meeting Kara at the mall and eating some amazing Indian food
...getting checked into the hostel even though I didn't have my passport
...trying to nap while the noisiest eater EVER filled her face with some nasty smelling dinner (LMAO!)
...stepping on a rat on our way to dinner and FREAKING out about whether or not it bit me
...then immediately being asked if I wanted to go to a sex show "Do I LOOK like I need to go to a sex show?!?!"
...being recognized and hugged at our favorite Mexican restaurant
...drinking really strong Margaritas, then being asked to sing on stage
...spending the next four hours singing on stage (!!!)
...snuggling with ET the yorkie
...making friends from New Dehli, which just happens to be where the cheapest flight I found has a 13 hour layover
...being the last ones to leave the restaurant at close
...immediately finding a club to go dance like idiots at
...getting pulled on stage before we even had a drink in our hands
...huddling in a corner to "sneak" the rum into our bottle of coke
...more dancing (!!!)
...dancing in the VIP corner with the local ladies
...following drunk Kayla down the street, weaving through pedestrian traffic at 2am
...drunkenly pigging out on craptastic Seven 11 food
..."just walk in like you own the place, don't even look at them"
...sneaking Eric and Stephanie into our hostel
...Kayla dropping her phone under the bottom bunk, "but I miss my phone," and erica comforting her "here honey, you can hold mine"
...erica and stephanie sneaking out way early so they don't get caught
...sleeping in til 10am
...eating at some fancy French restaurant in the mall for dirt cheap, in my GB Packer t-shirt
...spending the afternoon in a movie theater with best popcorn ever, reclining seats, perfect screen quality... *sigh*
...leaving the theater to realize the ENTIRE city of Bangkok had turned out in protests, filling Siam Square
...Kara not-so-jokingly saying "I was nervous throughout the movie, and now I am nervous in real life, my poor heart can't take it!"
...fighting for over 30 minutes against the flow of thousands to move about 100 feet out of the BTS system, tailed by some adorable Aussies who helped keep the mood light
...looking out over Victory Monument, which is usually filled with vans and taxis, and seeing nothing but a sea of people, screaming and blowing their whistles

Image borrowed from Stephanie :-)

...reminding myself 100 times over that you are experiencing history in the making, and to breathe
...praying the entire way, "if there is a God, the minivans will still be running, if there IS a GOD, the minivans...."
...rounding the corner and celebrating as I realized that the vans WERE STILL RUNNING!
...being helped by a Ban Mi local to get my van ticket
...recognizing girls from Lop Buri at the stop and catching up with them
...watching a fascinating Chinese movie and sleeping all the way home
...having the same local tell the driver to take me to my apartment so I didn't have to walk at night
...meeting Pi Lyn, hugging her, then going straight to bed
...checking my email to read a message about a possible job offer from one of the wealthiest men in Thailand (he OWNS True Move)
...falling asleep with a smile on my face, curled up under three blankets

New apartment!

Sometimes bad things have to happen in order for the doors to good things to open.  We've all heard the saying, but knowing that you just experienced one of those moments is such a rush. Such a smile on your face kind of moment.

If my creepy neighbor hadn't acted so weird, I never would have taken the initiative to move out. (How ironic is it, by the way, that he helped me carry my luggage out to the truck?! LOL)  Had I not been actively talking about moving out, Pi Lyn never would have offered me this place because she would have felt like she was overstepping.

And now, I sit here, and instead of hearing the roar of trucks on the busy street out front, I hear peepers. I have a glamorous mosquito net that makes me feel like a kid in a blanket fort again. I have a hot shower, which will be marvelous in the morning, but sadly, the town seems to be having water issues tonight. Whatevs, I've waited this long, right?!?!

She took me for a drive around the mountain today, the little mountain behind the school. She showed me where we will walk up to meet her favorite Monk, just a mile from where I live now. And then, not even 2 miles from the school, she showed me another temple, complete with a 40+ foot golden reclining Buddha!! And monkeys!! And the bat caves!! So much to explore and take pictures of, I am in heaven.  And the roads take you all the way around the mountain, so I think I found a new bike path, or maybe just a nice Saturday walking trail.

I had a delicious pig's liver soup with her at the market tonight, and the way everyone was stopping to look at us could have caused accidents or injuries.  I wish I could share that soup with my mom, she would have loved it.  The first thing I am going to have her teach me is how to make the papaya salad; turns out she has a papaya tree out back. Cha Ching!!! Money!!! 

Life is good. Sooo good. That's all.

Power of the mind or just good karma?

I remember thinking back when I was in Wisconsin about how I pictured my soon-to-be new life in Thailand. I remember deciding that I wanted to be north, but near a city. A smaller town, but not too rural. I pictured myself getting to know the locals, having a favorite restaurant to visit, all of that. Of course, when it came time to tell the program, I said I was pretty much up for anything that wasn't Bangkok. But this was what I pictured.  I also remember thinking, man, if I could arrange a home stay type thing, where I could learn the culture first hand, learn to cook, maybe pick up some of the language, teach them some English in the process, I would be set.  I had no idea how the work out that last part, but I wanted to figure out a way for sure!

And now here I am, just over six weeks in, and I have all of this!  I got placed in exactly the town I had pictured. I am just over two hours from BKK, which makes doing anything really easy. I live in a train town, so I can get anywhere I want to go for cheap as hell.  And as of this weekend, I will be living with a woman who was born and raised in Ban Mi, but lived the last 40 years of her life in America.

Today I went to visit with her after school and we worked out the details.  For 5,000 baht a month I get a private place to stay that includes a nice, hot, real shower, a flushing toilet, a real bed, reasonably good internet (and if I find it isn't good enough, she is willing to work with me to get something better), all of my lunches and dinners, a maid to clean my room, laundry service... you name it.  And of course, she is excited to show me around town, introduce me to people, teach me anything she can, including how to cook Thai dishes!

My day started with a little disappointment, I wasn't going to be able to meet the dog show people and make those connections I have been trying to make for over 4 weeks. That will have to wait another month. But to have this new opportunity handed to me, I am speechless. So blessed, so lucky, so whatever. The day couldn't have ended any better! I love it!

Self Discovery and Expectations

Over the weekend, my friend and I were talking about what it means to be alone and truly learning about yourself, and in that, getting to the bottom of our actual motivations for dropping everything and moving around the world.  We both agreed that the process of getting to know yourself is very lonely.  Good for the soul, but hard on the heart while it's happening. Over half a bottle of rum was an incendiary force in our four hour conversation, so re-articulating those moments of sheer genius may prove to be a bit challenging. But I will try!

Everyone had their own set of expectations of what this experience would be like, just as everyone had their own individual motives for coming here. On the first day of orientation, our "teacher" sat us all down to talk about what baggage we had brought with us in an attempt to uncover those motives. Why were we here? I kept what I wrote down and I've read it a couple times since then. At the time, I think all of us were "digging deep" and we were being as honest with ourselves as we could be. We talked about tragic breakups, abusive family members, suicide attempts, and so much more. Those of us who didn't share with the group found times in the week to open up to our new "family" about why we thought we had found ourselves in this new alien land. It was hard work, but I think all of us felt like we really did uncover our true motives.

But what my friend and I talked about this weekend is how little we knew, how grossly unaware we were.  If we redid that exercise today, after most of us have been teaching for 4-5 weeks, I believe we would see very different results. True motives don't just jump out at you and say 'hey lady, here I am!'  After all, those motives are windows into our souls; hidden reasons behind every action.  Sometimes understanding those reasons requires a little struggle first. Just as "character cannot be developed in ease and quiet (Helen Keller)," neither can one understand the answers to big questions like 'why am I here' without first experiencing some challenges that shake up their very foundation.  Motives are discovered  by those who are willing to sort through their own bullshit, fess up to the real truth about what it was you were leaving back home, and let yourself be completely and undeniably vulnerable to the reality of it all. 

I feel sometimes like "self-discovery" is this very ethereal concept. Like it's this meticulous process that only produces results when it is followed in strict accordance, one mistake and POOF, it's gone.  It's a crazy concept, and it happens in different ways for everyone, and not at all for more than some.  Sometimes we have those "aha" moments in the middle of a drunken conversation with friends, sometimes we have them when we are alone on a tropical beach reading something akin to Plato or Pirsig. Who knows when it will happen, other than never if you aren't willing to be honest with yourself about what is actually going on inside your heart and your head.

Coming here with any expectations, we were warned, was of no good.  But let's be honest, we all did. We all read about the culture, some more than others, and we all read about other teachers' experiences, again some more than others. From that alone we started to draw a picture in our minds of how the next 5 months of our lives would play out. So a month into the program, when we all get together on weekends, naturally, we all talk about how different the reality of life in Thailand is from that picture we drew for ourselves.  And when you step back and look at which of those expectations disappointed you the most, you can start to see what your true motives may have been for coming here.

And this is why I love it here....

As my previous post drew to a close, I was already feeling much better about things. That's the beauty of creating a post over the period of several hours.  I am currently back in my apartment feeling quite...well, wonderful, and I don't even have Chang to thank for it.

I was walking home from school when the sentiment started to really kick in. I had just finished up a great extra class, and now walking home I was greeted with numerous smiles and "herro! goos afternoon!"s. I went a little different route back and as I rounded the corner towards my apartment I noticed that the unpredictable market was on today. I have tried, with zero success, to figure out when this market actually occurs.  It occurs when it wants to. Complete with the inflatable children's play house, thai-remixed American pop-hits, and cheap goodies galore.  I was walking across the street, weaving through motorcycles, when I realized I had already adapted the Thai way of crossing a street---just fucking go with it man.  I smiled at the thought.

In my apartment, I pulled out what has become my bible, the Lonely Planet's Guide to Thailand, and checked in with a friend about how we are to meet up this weekend.  Several messages later, our plan was set, I was taking a train Friday after school and meeting her at the train station in Ayuthaya.  Hell yes! More century old ruins to explore and elephants to ride.  This has to be my single-most favorite thing about this country---how easy it can be to travel.  Traveling is also the single-most stress inducing thing about this country, if you try to have any sort of a schedule in mind.  Once you throw the Western expectations of timetables and prudency out the window (logic?! huh?), and you learn to adopt a heavy measure of patience, you can do wonderful things here. Like travel to and from virtually ANYWHERE in the country using semi-public transportation, stay there, and feed yourself, for less than $50 on a weekend. And that includes a hot shower, a western sandwich, and several Changs.  If you sleep cheaply, travel un-extravagantly, and eat locally, you can drop that to below $15 EASILY.

Fast forward an hour or so, my tummy growls. My Thai friend "Eve" cannot meet me out for dinner tonight. *Sigh* But I really wanted some yum (this spicy salad orgasmic concoction that is different every time and made a thousand ways, and yet, always the same)... So I grabbed my phone just in case I needed to phone a friend, and I set off to the one place I successfully ordered it in town (*cough* with the help of a student *cough*). I sat down, smiled and said, "do you remember, from last time? Yum?" Confused look. "Yum?" I try again. Confus---oh wait, recognition! "Yum somethingsomething I didn't quite understand! Yes, yes!" "Yes!"  It really couldn't have been that easy even if I spoke Thai. And about two minutes later, this Westerner from across the way asks if I need help, and at this point having already ordered, I say "No, but thank you!" "Oh? You can read Thai?" "Haha, not a chance, but she remembers me!" "Ahh, well, you just let me know if you need anything."  Where did that come from? Thank you nice fella! The best part is, my food came out even better than last time, this time she added glass noodles, some chicken, some pork, some shrimp. Total upgrade, they love me.  And it was fannnntastic.

About half way through my meal, the neighbor walked by and waved, entering the restaurant. UGH!!!!!!!!! *eye roll* Naturally, I did the polite thing and offered him the chair across from me.  Prior to him completely freaking me out, we had had some intelligent conversations over these past few weeks, right? And you know what? We ended up having another one... all be damned, I didn't want to punch him or run away or anything!  I successfully arrived at my apartment with zero delay from his awkwardness. A normal encounter. This calls for a blog post.

Can you talk about a 180?  Thank you universe. Kayla needed that, my god.

Am I Coming or Going?!?

I felt like I was doing really good. I was adjusting to the climate, to the culture, to my students, to my town.  Slowly, but surely. I felt better, I was dealing with the culture shock. I was happy. I was becoming a part of my community.

Then my neighbor started acting weird...and the last week has been a bit of a downward slide. His attitude and behaviors have affected my outlook. I decided not to lament on these since doing so just reaffirms that negativity. But when you combine those factors with the ever challenging school system where logic from our perspective is as foreign as cheeseburgers, students who seem to just not care or understand why English is valuable, and you have a girl who is left feeling rather lonely and regretting not being home for Christmas.

But as the title says, there is the constant back and forth, continuously vacillating because of the truly wonderful moments I have had.  After I was sitting there writing the above paragraphs, I had to go teach an "extra class" of students who I do not usually have.  And I was met by interesting, funny, ready to learn teenagers, filled with curiosity and fascination.  Those forty-five minutes made the whole day seem normal, my angst appear trite.  Finally, students who give a fuck! YAY!!! Aside from wanting to get away from my neighbor, I feel like I can be quite content here. And the weather--you can't beat the weather. I mean, I suppose you could, Hawaii was less humid and less buggy, but its damn near perfect. And the food is amazing if you aren't afraid to embarrass yourself ordering it. And I have been traveling every weekend, seeing all sorts of amazing things, for almost zero dollars. I can take a train to the bigger cities for less than 20 cents. I refuse to leave until I go hiking and see some waterfalls, and spend at least one more day reading a book on a quiet beach with the waves crashing all around me.

The Weight of The Nation

About a week ago I came across HBO's series called The Weight of The Nation, free to download on iTunes, which is also free to download.  GO NOW! Download it. Then come back and finish reading this while it loads.  I will wait.... This is a MUST see docu-series, if that is what you want to call them. Replace an hour a week of whatever else you are doing and watch these films. PLEASE. Especially episodes 1, 2, and 4.

This series is really well done, really well researched, really well supported with intelligent people in high positions at some of the most readily recognizable institutions. Every claim is backed by some study or another. The first episode is a horrific overview of the problem of obesity in America and all of its health implications. The second episode is a closer look into the way our bodies work when we try to lose weight and then how it works to prevent us from successfully keep it off. The third episode is about the growing problem with children. Did you know one in three kids today will develop diabetes? And if that kid is black or latino, it goes up to one in two? But the most shocking episode, the one that made me stop and write this post was the fourth one about food in America. It is mind blowing. One line that sticks with me is that we tend to see obesity as a personal problem--that person isn't trying hard enough, they did this to themselves, etc. But science is actually showing that we are hard wired to eat in unhealthy ways from the way we are raised, the way we are marketed to as kids, and most disgustingly, the way the agriculture business is set up to make the worst foods the cheapest. It is definitely not a personal problem, but a societal problem, and it is one that WILL eventually destroy our country if we don't change. It is sickening to see the data of how food is being produced that is effectively killing us for profit. Less than three percent of US farmland is planted with fruits and vegetables.  And then we wonder why we are obese.

Being here in Thailand has already changed the way I look at food. Seeing how a country with such incredible fresh fruit and vegetable options move more and more every day to western ways of processed foods sold at the thousands of 7Elevens found on virtually every corner makes me sick. Don't do it! Appreciate what you have! Take advantage of of the amazing resources that you have! Don't become like us!

In addition to seeing the way the younger generation of Thais is moving away from the traditional foods, watching these videos (which to be 100% honest, I only downloaded because they were free) has really impacted me!  People don't have to try hard to eat healthy here. Everything grows practically year round, and even the weeds are edible, for cryin' out loud. You can be completely homeless and still live on a healthy diet of natural vegetation. You have to be really lazy to count on the junk food from 7Eleven for your caloric intake, and yet, it certainly seems like that company is thriving over here. Laziness is universal, that is for certain. The difference is the poor people can still eat healthy in Thailand, whereas in the states, you are pretty much f'd if you are poor.

Protests in Bangkok

I encourage anyone reading this to do a little research on the background of these protests... I feel it is almost backwards of what we would expect in the states. It's not the underprivileged who are rising up in protest, but rather that wealthy minority who are trying to oust the democratically elected Prime Minister and democracy as a whole. They believe the PM is a puppet for her brother Thaksin, who led the democratic movement in Thailand. Unfortunately, Thaksin was a corrupt business man, and there are allegations that while he was in office he was corrupt with the tax money of the people as well. But most of the poor people in the rural areas still support Thaksin and his sister, as they have experienced improvements to their overall welfare.

Given this is Thailand's first taste of democracy, (democratic elections are only about 20 years old in Thailand) I can *somewhat* understand their concern, but coming from America, a hand picked representative who is not elected NEVER sounds like a better option.  Those protesting wish to return the power to the monarchy, and put their faith in the King's selection of a new PM and a "People's Council" rather than an elected cabinet.

To be honest, I am not quite sure where to stand on this one. I love to see countries moving towards democracy, but if it is a corrupt democracy, how is that better?  If they truly believe the people picked by the King (who is insanely well liked by his people) will be honest and fair, maybe the centuries of Monarchy here in this culture provide a stability that should not be undermined.  Key differences in Thai culture include the concept of a hierarchy--not like in America where everyone is created equal.  If everyone is created equal, democracy makes sense. Buddhist cultures who believe you were born into this life because of your choices in a past life, tend to believe that you deserve the cards you are dealt--therefore a rich man deserves to be rich and a poor man deserves to be poor. This has been the way of the people for centuries. Faith is placed in the hands of the Monarchy, who provide stability and support to the nation in their power, which is their birthright.  Democracy undermines this faith by giving the people an anonymous way to disagree with the powers that be, in a country where disagreeing with authority is so taboo.

Anyway, it is certainly a very interesting time to be living here, but I am thankful to not be in Bangkok. The protests are beginning to get bloody.  Most people think that with the King's birthday tomorrow, the protesting will halt in his honor, but likely resume by Friday or Saturday.

Last weekend I went to BKK to see some friends. Friday night I got to see one of the bigger protests right up close, from the back of my motorcycle taxi.  What a rush!  No matter what side of the debate you fall on, the sheer sight and energy of all those people is intoxicating!  And to know that you are experiencing, actually LIVING and breathing a moment in history is a feeling like no other.  The entire city is lit up for the King's birthday, so even without the adrenaline rush of seeing the protests it was a beautiful ride that made me all verklempt, as I tend to get on the back of motorcycles in this country.  It reminds me that I need to read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," but it is said that riding on or driving a motorcycle of any kind connects you to the moment of now better than most other experiences.  I have had this overwhelming experience numerous times since living here, and to combine that with the electricity of such a loud and excited crowd---unimaginable.