Attention Displacement Disorder

 

Let's call ADD(ADHD) what it really is, attention displacement disorder. I don't have a deficit. I can assure you, I'm paying attention, all the time, to all the things.

Often when I say what? it's just a pause to allow my brain to piece it back together because I was likely off having three other conversations in my head simultaneously, not because I didn't hear you.

That thing I've put off until the day before its due? I assure you I've been thinking about it, "doing it" in my head. It's completed, redrafted, and perfected, I just have to start it. That random fact that holds the key to some other random fact that could be easily ignored and moved past because the rest of the story about TOPIC A really can survive without the name of the exact color of the wall in the corridor I was walking down (chartreuse), but I can't move past it in my head because that's the part that comes next in my sequence. And it will eat me alive until I make that neuron connection.

It's the reason I move after making a place perfect. Or why I start and stop so many quests for knowledge after gleaning the cliff notes version for future (imminent) reference. I want the panoramic view, I want to try it all, I want to feel it all.

So it might also be the thing that allows me to be intimate with strangers with genuine curiosity or to unify divisive parties when its clearly due to miscommunication/misinterpretations. ADD is what allows me to see all points of view in disagreement, but also the reason I blow my rage top if you interrupt me midthought (so that's cool). It's what allows me to manage my workload with relative ease even on the most hectic of days (dopamine rush!!).

It's enabled me to become multifaceted, multidimensional, and a hell of a good time. It can can carry a meeting, land a sales pitch, or save a teacher from the perils of a silent audience, but it also might not say hello to you first, avert eye contact, and be impossibly awkward at least opportune moments.

The version you get depends on how full my masking tank is in that moment...which is why no one ever suspected all of us (women) just now being diagnosed in our mid/late 30s! We always thought it was just the disruptive boy in class who had to be called to the office for his meds. But turns out many of us neurodivergents were struggling in silence for decades and just learned how to hide it to fit in! Turns out there's a spectrum closely aligned with Autism and Dyslexia which sure helps explain a lot else that's been going on in this brain box.

Something to ponder about size

I saw something recently which asked the question, do you equate good with smaller? In the context of how you look in a photo, in a mirror, etc... you can do all this work on yourself and feel good in your body, but when confronted with the image of self feeling it didn't live up to or match. In many ways I think my image usually DOES align with my happiness at that time, but dare I say my weight and happiness or self esteem have always been intrinsically unified.  And I am sure I know the reason for much of my value issues. But that's not what this is. 

I learned a very valuable lesson when I moved to Thailand. I learned that my body was capable of reshaping itself in really fast time with minimal changes to diet. It all came from sweat. I was always warm and I walked a lot. My body has a natural propensity towards athletic and lean, which was reinforced in Montello when the weight started just to naturally come off once stress (cortisol?) was removed.  At first with almost no effort, the first thirty pounds comes off. The body starts to shed fat and water weight. It's slow, but steady. A year had started to reshape my face, but mostly it was in my abdomen and back, the main culprit again--stress.

But something was missing. All this change, all this pursuit of self... and yet I felt the same empty feeling. And it finally and suddenly all came together, the only way to feel whole was going to be to whole heartedly pursue myself. I didn't know what that looked like or what that even meant, but I knew it would involve physical activity. There was something broken or disconnected in the connection between my body and self, and only blood, sweat, and tears would fix that. 

And as in all things, once focus was placed on self in a healthy way, a number of aspects of daily life improved because of my better relationship with myself. For once, a positive cycle spiraled out of control. Feeling better meant more dopamine which meant wanting to do it more. Showing up for myself meant finally being able to trust myself, which mean confidence and self love were no longer these abstract terms I was in pursuit of but just natural pleasant reactions to my own reflection for a change.

Watching my face and neck melt away as I got into the low 250s inspired stronger workouts, which developed a core. That core meant fat burning on turbo, so instead of hitting a plateau and stalling, my digits started to drop in the tens weekly for a period. I went from 250 to 200 in the blink of an eye before slowing down.  Now things are much slower, but I know that I have stabilized. I dont have the weight to drop, my body is finally at a balanced state. What I lose now continues to be fat and I know this because of my body fat percentage.

I always thought once I lost weight all these doors would open for me, and even though they have its not for the reasons I expected. I dont think its my weight, but its the sparkle returned to my eye. Its the confidence in my step. Its the stamina as a I show enabling me to out perform competitors. Yes I have become a thousand times more successful in many ways but I know its more because of the better relationship with myself than it is with my smaller waistline. 

Self Absorbed

Is it the reflection of my own self-absorption that finds yours absolutely unbearable? There's no question that you are, I have evidence for decades. I suppose its questioning a trait like this within my own mirror that has me puzzled at the moment. 

You come by it naturally down to your zodiac and childhood trauma. With empathy I see that now is not the time for confrontation. Not to mention past lessons have taught me how these accusations are never met with change. Yes, I have been here before. It was different, I felt inferior to her. But I lost her all the same and that devastated me far more than being forgotten ever did. 

So I say nothing. And you keep talking. And I resent you more, and more. 

But if that was different because of how I felt about myself, maybe there is an answer within me that I need to seek first before I turn outward. So, does it only bother me now all of a sudden because I am lacking something? Am I resentful because seeing it in you highlights it in myself, or is it that I have neglected myself again. 

Forgotten. 

Maybe your self absorption only hurts me because its a reminder that I am solely responsible for the curation of my life. And yet somehow I am talking about your life, as if that matters more than my own. I put you here. I pulled you back, kicking and screaming. I had picked and delivered the best foundation for you to grow from. And yet you still mismanage this fortune you've been given. And then look me straight in the eye and bullshit me!  But what is that? What does that say about me...doesn't it signal that something is still rotting under the renovation?

If I've adorned myself with robes lined in thorns, it was I who had sewn them in. 

This main character needs to stop acting like the chubby best friend side kick. For fucks' sake. Rip that thorn laden liner out and burn it to the ground. Who gives a shit what you're doing, really. It's your life. Build my own plot, set up the next scene.  We will be better if we both write new narratives for ourselves.

As much as those words echo hauntingly, "I would never," she wasn't wrong. I should never. Take the backseat, take a supporting role. But if we focus solely on self empowerment, self focus, self growth, self self self, me me me..... then don't we become the thing we set out pissed off about all along? Are we not actually pissed off about it, but rather just jealous of those who do it better than us?