Smile, you are only Human

Yesterday, I was sitting here in the middle of writing a blog about how bad my week has been when a message alert popped up from facebook. I ignored it, finishing my thoughts. After posting the blog, I went to the message.  It was from a friend of mine in Thailand who shares the same agent as me, back when I still had an agent anyway. She was writing to tell me that our agent's husband had passed away about a month ago in a car accident. And to top it off, our agent is pregnant.  It was one of those things you read and shake your head, blink your eyes, then read it again. I couldn't believe this. I had met this man, spent an entire day with him. He was amazing. Kind, considerate, very interested in learning more about me and my family. He and his wife took me out to lunch on our two hour drive to my new city. They took every opportunity on that drive to teach me something about anything, whether they even realized it or not. It was he who first demonstrated just how important the Buddha is to everyone, wai-ing a statue inside a temple as we drove past.  He helped me with my contract, showed me around the school, and then even carried my heavy bags up three flights of stairs into my new apartment.  As if that wasn't enough, he bought a lock for my bike before leaving that day.  I never saw him again, and only spoke with my agent rarely since that first day. But both of them always served as shining examples of true Thai friendliness and eagerness to help a newcomer. Needless to say, I turned right back around and deleted that post. Perspective shows up in very strange ways. I sure hope Aom is able to be surrounded by those who love her and can help her through this time.

Reflecting upon the human nature to complain, to expect people to do things for us, and any number of other less than desirable traits we all possess, I had this thought.  Even though we constantly struggle against the ego in our quest for growth, the ego is a part of us. As humans, we all have this dualistic nature to our minds. Freud went a step further to say there are three parts, but this isn't a lesson in psychology, so we are ignoring that. But if we are fragments of a higher being, or were born in his image, or we are highly evolved creatures, no matter what you believe, you have to believe that having this higher self as well as this nuisance of the ego was intentional.  Maybe it is simply to challenge us.  I think that a fear many of us who are in search of enlightenment or spiritual growth have is that every time we act less than zen-like we are not succeeding in that goal. But I want to challenge that and say that, as humans, we were born with this ego that makes us falter, and I would imagine it was for a reason. I think that as long as we can be aware of those moments, we are in fact succeeding.  We are, after all, only human. We might be much greater than this human body, but this is the form that we exist in today, complete with all of its glory and all of its flaws.

Again with the damn raking

I really enjoy the quote "You may not always end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be."  It's one of those things I try to live by, but, being human, I sometimes stumble and struggle to see the value in where I have landed. 

While I was raking the flowers that fall continuously from this tree up front I realized a couple of things: first, that I have all my inspired thoughts while raking these days, and second, that maybe that is EXACTLY why I am here. Back to my most about Karate Kid, it's hard to see the value in something so menial and frustrating, but it gives my mind both the power to be blank and empty, meditation like, and the power to really delve into some deep and inspiring thoughts. Sometimes these two things flicker back and forth with each swing of the rake, but more often than not I hit on something deep, and my mind really becomes powerful in those moments. It's not my ego, it's my conscious self, being present in the moment and appreciating what is happening and the wisdom that I believe I am obtaining.  I don't think I ever would have encountered this deep of a level of spiritual growth if I wasn't here, raking leaves, flowers, and anything else that doesn't belong on top of the sand.

A few nights ago, I was watching Jim Carrey talk about how he found his higher self and experienced this pure joy and satisfaction with life, and then, being human, lost it. And how he has been working to get back to that moment ever since; "Sometimes I am riding the wave, and sometimes I have fallen off."  I related so whole-heartedly with this statement. It seems like an eternity ago already that I first connected with that part of me, although, calling it a part of me doesn't really suffice, since it is something greater than me entirely, but anyway, I digress. I connected and I was able to really grasp the LOA and make it work for me.  I was able to be present in the moment and connect with my inner energy at any moment in time. And then I went through a period of almost two years where I let "reality" bring me down off that wave.  During these past few weeks, I have experienced my epiphanies, and again, my ego, or the "reality" of it all, tried to talk me out of them.  And of course that ego is strong and successful, because it is a part of your mind, it knows you well. It knows what arguments to make that will be the most effective.  It is always struggling for control over your higher consciousness, and quite often it is able to win that battle. Again, while raking, I thought to myself, "I cannot wait to have children, to teach them these shreds of wisdom early on. Nothing against my upbringing," I thought, "what a boring life it would be to known all these lessons long ago."  It's not like my kids will be 11 and these zen Buddhas, but maybe as they enter their twenties and start on their own spiritual paths, it will be words of empowerment over their ego nature that will call out to them.  Or maybe they will think I am a nut job and vow to put me in an old folks home when I am elderly, one never knows. But that dose of "reality," that feeling of, "you can't do that because it costs too much money, or takes too much time," those thoughts really mess with a person and their personal success and development. 

A few posts ago I vowed to not get so deep. Well, to hell with that. I am been struggling with not censoring myself on here, but it is a constant battle. I don't necessarily think I need to write about every thought I have and what happens as those thoughts change, which I feel like I may have done a little, but I do enjoy being able to share my growth with people.  And as it turns out, some of the people reading are complete strangers. How exciting is that?

Pendulum

I haven't been very diligent or faithful about keeping this up to date. I suppose it's because most of my days are the same as all the days before. But even if they are the same in routine, the thoughts that run through my mind are constantly changing and developing. 

Lately, I have been able to find time in my mornings and afternoons for boatloads of studying online. It keeps my mind sharp, which when working a mundane job as I am seems rather important these days. I've been diving into more of the Quantum physics side of the consciousness, and each link that I click leads me to seven more I want to explore.  Currently, I have four videos in open tabs waiting their turn.  It always excites me to find connectedness between them, to hear something referenced that you just learned about or that makes you want to learn more about that something new. In this process, a few old jems have popped up, like The Secret movie in its entirety. I've read the book several times, misplaced it, and have thought about purchasing it again. Watching the movie was a great reminder of how I need to refocus my energy and put any negative thoughts aside.  It also made it even more clear that I need to keep digging deeper to find what I truly WANT in life, because the not knowing it creating a cycle of not knowing.  I love reflecting back upon little actions that all brought me to this "studying."  It wasn't like I sat down bored one day and googled quantum consciousness. It all came to me in bits and pieces which is truly magical when you think about it.

I sometimes feel like I am attached to a 12-hour pendulum, wanting to stay and start a future here on one end, frantically searching for my credit card and low fares home on the other.  Over the last couple days I was able to have some awesome Skype chats with two of my closest friends from freshman year of college, and we talked about all sorts of crazy happenings. Being able to connect like that settles the pendulum down and helps me to feel comfortable in the present moment. I really appreciate anything these days that can help me with that feeling.

That's all for now. Nothing terribly insightful, my apologies. :)

Today's Perspective

I realized yesterday that this blog was getting way too heavy.  Good writing or not, it needed to come down.

My thought of the day, or at least of the morning:

"When the alternative is dropping a bag of pee onto the floor, breaking it, thus spewing nasty, stale filth onto your feet, legs, and the surrounding carpet, raking leaves doesn't seem so bad."

Also, I am on a mission to say more things out loud today than yesterday, wherein for the first 8 hours of my day I had only uttered a hostile, albeit empty threat of strangulation and the gentle cooing of "who's my smelly butt?"  So far I have succeeded, even if my words spoken out loud have once again gone mostly unanswered.