Thursday, April 21, 2016

Too Political for Linked In

I promise that I did not set out to write a political piece…but we are talking about the future success of American businesses and the government, so I suppose it was inevitably going to end up there. Truthfully, I stumbled upon two great posts (tagged below) that got me thinking, and when I start thinking I need to compose. The way in which the next administration handles these challenges will guide our future.
 
Steve Case (Chairman and CEO of Revolution LLC) posted an interesting thought piece on entrepreneurial spirit, and it got me thinking (Read it here). The point (I think) is that America was made great because of our inherent nature to encourage the entrepreneurial spirit. And the only way for us to continue to BE great is to restore the ability of that spirit to be successful. He makes an ingenius suggestion that I will revisit later.

Other countries have developed themselves and become competitors—How so? In the same way that we became great--entrepreneurism and capitalism--except there is one big difference. In recent years (decades?) it would seem that we are curtailing the very spirit that made us great, while the rest of the world has caught on by studying our recipe for success. Should things continue, these other nations would gladly pass us by, leaving us in the dust.

Jeff Immelt (Chairman and CEO at GE) took this thought and went one step further. He published a think piece (read it here) that calls out politicians for misunderstanding how business really works. He argues that government regulation makes it very hard for American businesses to compete on the world stage, and that this movement away from capitalism (combined with an outdated tax system) is what is holding America the Great back.

So let’s examine these two thoughts:
One: Entrepreneurs made us great. Lack of support [from the government] for entrepreneurs puts us at risk for failure. Entrepreneurs could help us find new solutions to old problems.
Two: Over-regulation prevents capitalism from being effective, and places those who are over-regulated at a disadvantage from those who are not.

An individual doesn’t need to have an Economics degree to know that Capitalism and Entrepreneurship go hand in hand. One also doesn’t need that degree to see that diminishing the strength of one, negatively affects the other. The over-stepping nature of a highly regulatory government is the culprit for the dampening of our American Spirit.
The “new” thought that I picked up on in both of these articles was the thought that maybe, just maybe, we already know the solution. If we have the resources (strong willed, intelligent minds with a dream of success; entrepreneurs), we can use those to fix the problem (a sluggish, unresponsive government) with just a little effort.

What would happen if we contracted bright new minds from the private sector for 6-12 month positions, to sit in on the political process and help guide solutions for our biggest problems? Let’s bring non-politicos into the conversation of healthcare, infrastructure, taxation, and the environment. Businesses hire consultants everyday to become better at the various aspects of business that they are not already exceptional at. If we view the government as a business, why shouldn't we apply the same logic? What would happen if the government recruited consultants?
Is there any way for innovation and entrepreneurial spirit to exist in an economy that is increasingly taking on socialistic characteristics? I ask genuinely, because this is not what we were taught. I’d love to hear a counter argument! The current argument has always been that without competition, there is no motivating force. If we are all leveled out and equalized, what reward is there for a great idea and a determined spirit? Aside from pure altruism, would people still seek to innovate and be better? I can see an argument that those with drive and ingenuity will overcome any obstacle, even a government structured to redistribute wealth. I guess the question I have is…why put that obstacle there in the first place?

I'm Ready

I almost didn't go, I'm not going to lie. The day before I had serious doubts about attending, but I went to bed knowing that I needed to. I needed to be forced into the situation with no excuses, no way out.  And the situation was me not dealing with Aaron's death.

I met his brother and a few friends from up north, and we caravaned to downtown. I felt like a cornered weasel, I didn't know what to do how to act, I was panicking and overthinking and not ready. I wasn't ready, but there I was. And the people, they just kept pouring in. At one point, this funeral home was filled to the brim. Its the biggest home I've ever seen, and Aaron and I walked past it many times together in our 9 years.

I have not had the best time dealing with this for many reasons. I hadn't actually talked him in almost a year, and those last words exchanged were fighting words. We had since "made up" but hadn't seen each other. About 2 months before I invited him up to visit me in the new house, and all we exchanged were Facebook stock emojis. To lose him, him of all people, with those as our last communications was easily one of the most devastating things Ive been through. You know, that and Leinie. Just to happens they happened at once.

I'm working on forgiving myself, for not mourning him and instead celebrating him and the amazing life he left behind. The last 5 weeks have been so hard. Changes at work completely complicated things and I've just felt lost, unmotivated, and trapped.

I'd say that today was the first day back, but that's untrue. Its the most recent attempt at coming back, all others before being short lived.  I'm ready to start tomorrow as a person who is healing, getting stronger.

Aaron was a huge chapter of my twenties, but I always envisioned that we'd live on as friends forever. We was the first man I ever really loved, he was someone that I always felt privileged to know and to be with, someone who never failed to teach me and expand my understanding of life. I am really, really fortunate to have loved such an incredible person. And even though I wasn't a big part of his life when it ended, I was a big part of his life.  It's easy to forget that and hate yourself, and I cherish the memory of Joe at the funeral, reminding me how much Aaron loved me and felt my love in return. I needed that reassurance.

Monday, March 21, 2016

I'm Not Doing Well

I know that this is going to sound terrible, but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm not ready to deal with Aaron yet, he needs to wait. I'm not ready to free up space in my agony, in my mourning, for him.  His services are this week and all I can think is that Leinie should have services. People should come pay their last respects to Leinie.

I know I am not supposed to compare them. I know it doesn't matter who was loved more. I know that everyone mourns differently. I know that no one is putting expectations on me other than myself. But for some reason, that's what this keeps feeling like.

It's not fair to Aaron's memory, losing them both so close together.  My god, I loved that kid. Ask anyone who has known me longer than five years and they know about him.  But I don't have time to be sad about him, I really just don't have room for more sorrow.  Aaron got that Friday morning from me, and that's about it.  Then the attention shifted to Leinie and I can't pull it back. (I don't want to pull it back.) Besides, I can see all the support and love that is being shared surround Aaron, and I know that plenty of people are collectively paying tribute to him, celebrating his life and his work. So I think, "well good, leave that for them then." And then I think, "god I hope Aaron didn't hear me think that." I'm going to hell.

Don't get me wrong, I love Aaron. I really did. I know this because I have lusted many people. Very few have I felt true love for, and I know I have because it never went away. And I will miss him very much. But we had our moment in the sun together. I will cherish all the things he brought into my life and the growth we experienced together. He brought me so many new experiences, but our memories had long since become dated. We had grown apart. The all consuming love I felt for him subsided over time, becoming that low vibration of love that you share with your friends.  He was one of those people you just are thankful you have in your life, in whatever capacity. So maybe I can't deal with him yet because I don't recognize the loss yet.  Our last conversation was exclusively emojis, back in February. I had invited him to visit me at least, but that was the extent of the effort put forth.

But then Leinie. That's a loss that was so instantly recognized it knocked me off my feet.  I've never feared something so much, and yet known it was what needed to be done. I now know what it means to want nothing more than to know there is Heaven. He was my partner. My co-pilot. My shadow. My best friend. My son. My world.  And aside from 10 months my Junior year of college, and 5 months for Thailand, he's been by my side for 11 years. Only 11, I was robbed. I hate it every day with such intensity. We were robbed of our time together. And he may have walked on four legs and been covered in hair, but he was my everything. He understood me better than anyone ever has. One day he was fine, and then suddenly he just wasn't anymore. The love I felt for him leaves me empty now. Sick to my stomach at all times. Numb. Hollow. Sick. Angry.

God dammit, I am fucking angry.

Going back to a time before Leinie goes so far back, it doesn't count as adulthood. Painful memories that, at times, I want nothing more than to roll around in, saturating myself in; other times I just want to block the very thought out and put up walls so high his memory doesn't exist, focusing just on that which is right in front of me.

I don't like people, currently. I suffer through every day, putting on a brave face at work so someone doesn't report me for being unfriendly. I try to exist, and when I don't think about him I have done alright. Laughing here and there even.  And then days like today...and I come home and sob. Little things get me down and I just want to hold him, be with him. He would have distracted me and made it alright.

I got mad at the most ridiculous thing today, and even now, knowing how ridiculous it was, I react the same way. And I don't know how to prevent that feeling of anger, when the rest of the world has moved on and the implication that, "tick-tock bitch, time to move on already," is going to be here before I know it. And then what? I'm the crazy (single) girl who hates everyone and is miserable because her dog died and she can't get over it? Basically.