A Year in Pictures

The Wat in Ban Mi, first week of January

Outside the Wat, inspiration for my tattoo

The She-Devil, a thai ridgeback at Jeff's apartment, days before moving to Bangkok

Sukothai, during my visit to Jeff's

More of Sukothai

My room for the next few weeks (before moving into the dog's room) (worst mattress EVER)

Fancy wine out of a coffee mug... dinner at the Villa

Joom and Bluff at the swimming hole, February

My sanity, Banana Leaf

A bittersweet memory with Brew, early March

Visiting Stephanie mid-March before Koh Samui

One of my favorite dining memories for many reasons... but mainly the awful Som Tam.

I met a magical couple on this ferry ride to Koh Samui...

A Wat in Koh Samui

Our view of the archipelago with Ashley and her mom, Koh Samui

Lots of wonderful decisions were made on this day.

One of my very last nights in Thailand

Home Sweet Home (late March)

First weekend back, dog show with mom and Julie, here with Adele after her major!

Rescuing Monroe... April

Up the Mountains, Green Valley AZ Memorial Day

Grandma's 80th and my 28th!! Great birthday celebration with family!

A really memorable weekend of winning with Big Daddy (June)

My first Brewers game with my lover. Late July

The first home game of the year! Preseason football with my old work friends (August)

My 2nd ever Brewers game (September)

New apartment in September

A special hockey game in October :)

Home visits in October and November

The last (and most important) game of the year (December)

Babe, there's something wretched about this...

(That song is now in everything I do)

2014 was a year of extremes for sure.  New experiences on the other side of the globe. Familiar and unfortunate haunts reappearing. New jobs, old habits. New cities, old bedrooms. New friendships forged and old friendships burned to the ground.

The crushing agony of letting go of someone who has hurt you more than you'd ever like to admit.
The exhilaration of taking a journey by yourself and liking what you discover within.
The excitement of an opportunity that can only be described as destiny.
The fear of jumping into the unknown without a life preserver and knowing that failure is not an option.

It's really easy to get caught up in the day to day grievances we all face. Not enough money, not enough time, not enough sleep, not enough fresh air and vegetables. Too much stress, too much driving, too much pizza and cheap wine. (Okay, you can never have too much pizza, but I should probably spring for the better wine next time.)  But you didn't have to spend the first three months of 2014 living in Thailand to be able to step back and look upon your life in awe. Let's be honest, most of you shared those months with me, and they weren't very glamorous.

I have found that when I get so caught up in those "not enoughs," just like everyone else out there, we become filled with anxiety and envy. We think other people have it better, and we completely forget what all we have done. The reality is that, everyone can choose to let those "not enoughs" weigh them down and become the voice that they hear every day.  Everyone can look at someone else and want what they have instead.  The people who are able to find and maintain peace in their life find a way to remind themselves that each path is blessed, each path is divine, each path is beautiful in its own wretched way.

To think that at any point in the last several months I have become down or depressed... I shiver at the ignorance.  How could I have ever let such negativity take root?  My GOD! 2014 was a year unlike any other, beyond comprehension. It certainly had its trials. But in those trials were lessons SO profound, I think I can only start to feel their magnitude. Lessons that are so blindingly beautiful and powerful, much like the sun, if I stare into them for too long I will lose all sight. I need to just close my eyes and soak them up, remind myself of them, and continue on.

I came home from Thailand with a centeredness and calm that I needed to carry me through the challenges that presented themselves in the spring and summer.  At points, I lost sight of that calm and I lost my ability to realize that I can protect myself from much of this unease that comes into our lives.  I am very fortunate to have found it again, to have found that strength within myself to say No to something that brings more harm than good.

Life really is beautiful, if you allow it to be...if you give yourself the chance to see the beauty of your own path instead of finding its shortcomings as compared to another.

From Eden, Hozier

Babe
There's something tragic about you
Something so magic about you
Don't you agree?

Babe
There's something lonesome about you
Something so wholesome about you
Get closer to me

No tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony
No 'who cares', no vacant stares, no time for me

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Babe, there's something wretched about this
Something so precious about this
Oh what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me
A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to hide outside your door

Songwriters
ANDREW HOZIER BYRNE

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Read more: HOZIER - From Eden Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Smiles

Great friends. It's the answer. 

To why we try. To why it's worth it. To how we get through.

Friends who say something to you once that stays with you for years. Friends who know what we are thinking before we are even comfortable admitting that is what we are thinking. Friends who need you as much as you need them. I have been blessed to have so many of these amazing people in my life, and each one of you is such an incredibly beautiful person. I am so thankful to have met you.

Shit's About to Get Personal

I'm sorry I trust too quickly, and I'm sorry I genuinely give everyone the benefit of the doubt. That combination can be deadly.

I'm sorry I expect human beings to be decent to one another, and I'm sorry I expect to be treated like an adult, as I promise to treat you.

I'm sorry that when I realize I am uninterested in dating someone further, I tell them right away so as to not lead them on or waste their time.  Weird that I would think treating people with decency, honesty, and respect that nourishes open communication is the way to start a solid relationship.

I'm sorry I have no time for cyber-only relationships...of any kind. Meet me or stop wasting my time and excitement levels.

I'm sorry I understand my own emotions and expect the same of others. I'm sorry I expect to be able to open up to someone and have them open up to me. I'm sorry I think vulnerability is a part of getting to really know they people you are building relationships with.

(Originally written ~Sept 2014, modified December 2014)

Wanderlust

I wish Jennifer Aniston wasn't in a movie by this title, because it is one of my favorite words. Wanderlust. A strong, innate desire to wander about the world. I talked with my neighbor Beau about this sensation, this itch in the "soul" of your foot. He moved his family to Alaska not long after that. I took off for Thailand. And now...

Life in Milwaukee is truly better than I ever imagined. It would be even better with more money to enjoy downtown life, but I am doing alright for myself. But that itch is back. Hopefully it can be quenched by a weekend roadtrip or something, because the future is looking bleak for travel.

Growing up and getting an 8-5 is retarded.  I DO NOT recommend it for those who, like me, get bored with monotony. This not say that I do not like my job...I love my job. I am doing quite well in my job. I look forward to work everyday as well as solving problems for people. I enjoy my commute with the radio and my thoughts. But I think I thought I would appreciate the sameness more than I in fact do.

This girl needs to go see some new horizons.

(originally written ~Sept. 2014, modified December 2014)

Don't Expect this to be Cheery

Any time a writer goes a long time between writing, the new piece of work likely begins "where to begin?"  Why should this blog post be any different?

I could say that this has been an especially trying month... but it hasn't exactly been hard for me personally. Just everyone I love. And being one of those sad saps who cries over the pain of others, I suppose that is what made it hard for me, impersonally. One person I love dearly was diagnosed with a crippling, terrible, uncurable disease. Not just a person I love, but one of the truest, most kind-hearted, beautiful souls I have ever met. Another person I love lost, by my count, his fifth close friend in ten years and before he turned 31. Not just friends, close friends. If you count friends he is up to at least ten. And most recently, another person I love dearly discovered the ultimate betrayal. The person they love the most not only cheated physically, but emotionally too.

All of this bad stuff naturally is enough to make a person stop and think. It makes me lose faith in humanity. It makes me lose hope. It makes me stop believing in trying. And then I snap out of it for a day or two and realize that being melodramatic gets you no where.

And then I start drinking wine and get the urge to write, and all those negative feelings come rushing back.

And then I turn on some Christmas programming and I am overwhelmed with my love for humanity, at least momentarily.

It's exciting being me, I definitely never get bored.

That damn song by Tim McGraw came on the radio when I was leaving work... Live Like You Are Dying. I was sobbing... sobbing and driving, the greatest of combinations.

So what has happened in the life of Kozy since last writing?? Well.... Let me tell you. I am kicking ass and taking names at work. Or at least that's what I tell my parents. It is in fact going well. This job remains the only job to keep me challenged and I continue learning things everyday. I know more about contracts and inspections than any one person ever expected to know.

I started writing that blog about my dating life... I even published a few.  And then I became insanely depressed about how depressing it all has been, and continues to be.  Let's talk about modern age dating for a moment.  Frankly, technology has ruined love for our generation and I believe, for generations to come. No one cares enough to stick it out and fight anymore. Everyone cheats. Everyone is dating 5 people at once. If one person doesn't live up to your outrageous expectations, you swipe a few times on your phone and meet someone new.  If you do actually meet someone you enjoy spending time with, don't tell them how you really feel. Most people in our generation don't know what they are feeling, let alone how to articulate it.  So discussing what you are feeling just scares the shit out of the modern 20 something.  Most people in our generation don't even know how to communicate, let alone communicate about emotions. They have spent too much time staring at a screen to know how to interact with human beings. What a concept: open communication. How crazy of a thought is it to be honest, up front, and genuine? Apparently, quite crazy.

Luckily for me, I have literally the most normal, supportive, amazing family to walk the earth. Nothing like the holiday season to bring out all the family hating memes.  I didn't realize how much I loved my family until I started to see how much everyone else hates theirs.

Along with my badass family comes my badass dogs. Aside from having to walk them all the time... which gets a little old on those super cold mornings... they are what keeps me smiling. Literally every single day they make me laugh and giggle. And they keep me warm at night. And they keep me out of trouble. And they help me keep the calories from these glasses of wine off the stomach region. But for how amazing our four-legged friends are... they sure have this awful habit of leaving us before we are ready.

The good news is, it is almost guaranteed the next blog will be more chipper.