I used to think fickle meant something different. Once I learned what it meant, I embraced it in all its glory. Today's topic is dating, because, well... why not.
Remember when I had a boyfriend? No? Yeah..me neither. It's been a long time. As someone who prides herself on remembering details, I honestly don't recall if it was 2010 or 2011, but it literally lasted all of 10 days before we decided we might kill each other trying. We had been in love for years, and finally the opportunity came up to give "us" a chance. And man, oh man, it didn't work.
Anything prior to that does not matter and that isn't the point of this post. This post is about being fickle.
I want a boyfriend. Sort of. I want someone who texts me every morning and talks to me most evenings. Someone who wants to make plans with me when we can. I do not want someone who needs me. I do not want someone who doesn't have a life and who waits for me every day, I have two dogs for that. I would like someone to miss me when I am gone, and someone to miss while they are gone, but I don't want to always have to share my bed. I also do not want to have to leave my apartment in the evening to go visit them. I want someone to build a future with, but just not, ya know...right now. Like we can talk about it and stuff, if that's cool? Maybe make some plans to make plans? Definitely nothing right now. Except, well... sometimes I want a baby. And a house. And I want to weed a garden and mow the lawn. And sit on the couch drinking scotch with someone while we read books and listen to music. Wait, here is an idea, what if we skip all the stupid dating and just fast forward to that last part!?! Minus the baby. And the weeding of gardens, let's be real.
I'm too independent I think, and then I catch myself moping around because so and so didn't text back. As if my entire existence hinges on that text for those moments. Sometimes I think I could be the worker, and he could be the stay at home dad. Except he'd have to be 100% masculine, so good luck finding that combination. A masculine man who isn't intimidated by a woman who can provide for herself AND for him. Ha! Good one. Either way, two minutes later I will think to myself, hell no, I want to be the trophy wife who works out at the gym and flies to Tahiti every winter, lunching with her socialite friends during the week while hubster slaves away. And then there are times where I think, jeesh, wouldn't it be nice to just find my intellectual match and run away with him? Someone who can keep up with me in thought and conversation as well as in bed? And then we just travel. Work a little to support our drinking and traveling, but not so much that we actually spend much time at it. And we don't buy into expectations or norms. We are equals. No "man" roles and no "woman" roles. Just us.
And then I think well shit, this is good content, I should write it down. And I will call it fickle, because after all, that's about it. Settling on one option eliminates the rest, and that is just something I hate to do.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
Inevitably
Over the past few weeks, I have led a very spoiled life. Maybe not by your definition, but I've never been one to be so concerned with anyone else's definitions of things.
Being able to experience countless moments of sheer contentment--a raw, simple feeling of joy and peace. Being able to do all the things I wanted to do, and finding myself in those moments knowing that right there was where I was supposed to be. Being able to sit peacefully, fully present, and just smile. Being teased for not being able to stop smiling. Maybe spoiled isn't fair to say; after all, I did go out and take what I wanted. I made those moments. I celebrated positive things in my life and let go of negative ones. Nothing was given to me, but I do feel gratitude for them just in case.
The irony is that in a few of those moments, I allowed myself to question when the other foot would drop. I would quickly dismiss such thoughts, but their trails remained. The irony is that is the perfection of those moments, I found myself wondering what bad things I would have to experience to pay for them. Isn't that morbid?
Now, the title might suggest that such a bad thing did happen. It didn't, not really. But I did go and make a perfectly good situation a lot harder for myself, as I tend to do. It's almost as though I am incapable of falling in love with the right person. It's almost as though my life continues to mock me until I write that damned screen play that I started 11 months ago. It's almost as if things were going too smoothly, my road needed a couple twists and turns.
Being able to experience countless moments of sheer contentment--a raw, simple feeling of joy and peace. Being able to do all the things I wanted to do, and finding myself in those moments knowing that right there was where I was supposed to be. Being able to sit peacefully, fully present, and just smile. Being teased for not being able to stop smiling. Maybe spoiled isn't fair to say; after all, I did go out and take what I wanted. I made those moments. I celebrated positive things in my life and let go of negative ones. Nothing was given to me, but I do feel gratitude for them just in case.
The irony is that in a few of those moments, I allowed myself to question when the other foot would drop. I would quickly dismiss such thoughts, but their trails remained. The irony is that is the perfection of those moments, I found myself wondering what bad things I would have to experience to pay for them. Isn't that morbid?
Now, the title might suggest that such a bad thing did happen. It didn't, not really. But I did go and make a perfectly good situation a lot harder for myself, as I tend to do. It's almost as though I am incapable of falling in love with the right person. It's almost as though my life continues to mock me until I write that damned screen play that I started 11 months ago. It's almost as if things were going too smoothly, my road needed a couple twists and turns.
In Hindsight...
...maybe none of it is important? Maybe it really all is an illusion, and the reason I have been so fucking happy over the last month is because I didn't allow myself to buy into the notion that I have no control over my destiny, as the media would have us all believe.
Ideas on Stuff That's Important
Having a really hard time this election season.... and it's only just
begun. Once again I am reminded that I do not fit into any party neatly. Once again I am reminded that we are picking the lesser of evils.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were so many good candidates that the decision was difficult for that reason? Instead it is just difficult because in every situation I see our great nation spiraling down the shitter.
If I made the rules, we'd start with 100 candidates, or however many foolish idiots there are that want to be in control, and every two to four weeks there would be a series of 2-3 debates, followed by elections. Pick 10. Then as we get to less, pick 7. Pick 5. Pick 3. Pick 2. Pick 1. There would be NO ADVERTISING. If you don't say it in a debate, it isn't said. It isn't up for discussion. As with court hearings, you get opening remarks and closing remarks, and the middle would be filled by questions. That everyone answers in a sound proof booth, unable to hear their opponents. At least in the beginning. The sound proof booths could eventually be done away with once the candidates have proven they have a mind of their own. In the end, we might have two socialists. We might have two stoner hippies. We might have Donald Trump and Donald Duck. But the nation would decide.
Naturally the argument is that no one would show up. But that's no argument for not trying.
I guess I just want representation. I want someone to say, Kayla, I hear you. And I stand for [at least some of] the things you stand for.
I want a flat tax.
I want people to be able to marry whomever they love and still be able to own guns.
I want schools to teach gun safety and religious tolerance.
I want small businesses to be promoted.
I want businesses to retain the right to decide how to do business, so long as it doesn't hurt individuals.
I want mothers to be allowed to raise their babies with pay (for even a few months).
I want anyone and everyone who receives public assistance to be held accountable for how they spend those dollars, but if they fail a drug test let's not kick them to the curb either.
I want a flat tax.
I want homeless people to be given an opportunity to start over.
I want capitalism, but I want environmentally conscious capitalism.
I want capitalism, but I want the human condition safe-guarded against greedy bastards.
I want healthcare to be affordable but I don't want to be forced into any program.
I want more funding for mental health.
I want less funding for wars. Especially wars that we have no right fighting.
I want religion out of the public sector but respected within the private sector.
I want our leaders to support students of all ages by eliminating interest rates on student loans in exchange for volunteer activities.
I want schools to offer incentives to study abroad so Americans learn there is more to our world.
I want marijuana legalized, not just decriminalized and I want hemp to become our next cotton.
I want a flat tax, and a complete overhaul of how our tax dollars are spent.
I want our veterans to actually be cared for when they finish serving our nation.
I want term limits on Congress, but possibly an extension of the presidential allotment (if we got someone really good, shouldn't they get 12 years?).
I want an overhaul of how bills are passed so that we can consider every item individually and make Congress actually work for their pay.
I want a flat tax.
I want to cut Congress's pay to that of teachers so that what we end up with are only those who really want to make a difference running for office.
I want serious criminals punished and minor offenders to be offered a chance at redemption.
I want the government to take a step back and protect our rights without infringing our liberties.
I want cops to serve us and not hide, waiting to catch us.
I want caring for and protecting our environment to be on the top of everyone's list.
I want a flat tax. ;)
I think that everyone has their list, and I would love that each one of us be able to find a candidate who at least meets most of our requirements. She/he who leads the nation would be the person who does that for the most amount of people. If I were forced at gun point I could pick 5 from the above list, I suppose. But I shouldn't have to compromise so many things just for one or two items on my list to be promised but inevitably never delivered.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were so many good candidates that the decision was difficult for that reason? Instead it is just difficult because in every situation I see our great nation spiraling down the shitter.
If I made the rules, we'd start with 100 candidates, or however many foolish idiots there are that want to be in control, and every two to four weeks there would be a series of 2-3 debates, followed by elections. Pick 10. Then as we get to less, pick 7. Pick 5. Pick 3. Pick 2. Pick 1. There would be NO ADVERTISING. If you don't say it in a debate, it isn't said. It isn't up for discussion. As with court hearings, you get opening remarks and closing remarks, and the middle would be filled by questions. That everyone answers in a sound proof booth, unable to hear their opponents. At least in the beginning. The sound proof booths could eventually be done away with once the candidates have proven they have a mind of their own. In the end, we might have two socialists. We might have two stoner hippies. We might have Donald Trump and Donald Duck. But the nation would decide.
Naturally the argument is that no one would show up. But that's no argument for not trying.
I guess I just want representation. I want someone to say, Kayla, I hear you. And I stand for [at least some of] the things you stand for.
I want a flat tax.
I want people to be able to marry whomever they love and still be able to own guns.
I want schools to teach gun safety and religious tolerance.
I want small businesses to be promoted.
I want businesses to retain the right to decide how to do business, so long as it doesn't hurt individuals.
I want mothers to be allowed to raise their babies with pay (for even a few months).
I want anyone and everyone who receives public assistance to be held accountable for how they spend those dollars, but if they fail a drug test let's not kick them to the curb either.
I want a flat tax.
I want homeless people to be given an opportunity to start over.
I want capitalism, but I want environmentally conscious capitalism.
I want capitalism, but I want the human condition safe-guarded against greedy bastards.
I want healthcare to be affordable but I don't want to be forced into any program.
I want more funding for mental health.
I want less funding for wars. Especially wars that we have no right fighting.
I want religion out of the public sector but respected within the private sector.
I want our leaders to support students of all ages by eliminating interest rates on student loans in exchange for volunteer activities.
I want schools to offer incentives to study abroad so Americans learn there is more to our world.
I want marijuana legalized, not just decriminalized and I want hemp to become our next cotton.
I want a flat tax, and a complete overhaul of how our tax dollars are spent.
I want our veterans to actually be cared for when they finish serving our nation.
I want term limits on Congress, but possibly an extension of the presidential allotment (if we got someone really good, shouldn't they get 12 years?).
I want an overhaul of how bills are passed so that we can consider every item individually and make Congress actually work for their pay.
I want a flat tax.
I want to cut Congress's pay to that of teachers so that what we end up with are only those who really want to make a difference running for office.
I want serious criminals punished and minor offenders to be offered a chance at redemption.
I want the government to take a step back and protect our rights without infringing our liberties.
I want cops to serve us and not hide, waiting to catch us.
I want caring for and protecting our environment to be on the top of everyone's list.
I want a flat tax. ;)
I think that everyone has their list, and I would love that each one of us be able to find a candidate who at least meets most of our requirements. She/he who leads the nation would be the person who does that for the most amount of people. If I were forced at gun point I could pick 5 from the above list, I suppose. But I shouldn't have to compromise so many things just for one or two items on my list to be promised but inevitably never delivered.
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