Fickle

I used to think fickle meant something different. Once I learned what it meant, I embraced it in all its glory.  Today's topic is dating, because, well... why not.

Remember when I had a boyfriend? No? Yeah..me neither. It's been a long time. As someone who prides herself on remembering details, I honestly don't recall if it was 2010 or 2011, but it literally lasted all of 10 days before we decided we might kill each other trying. We had been in love for years, and finally the opportunity came up to give "us" a chance. And man, oh man, it didn't work.

Anything prior to that does not matter and that isn't the point of this post. This post is about being fickle.

I want a boyfriend. Sort of. I want someone who texts me every morning and talks to me most evenings. Someone who wants to make plans with me when we can.  I do not want someone who needs me. I do not want someone who doesn't have a life and who waits for me every day, I have two dogs for that.  I would like someone to miss me when I am gone, and someone to miss while they are gone, but I don't want to always have to share my bed.  I also do not want to have to leave my apartment in the evening to go visit them. I want someone to build a future with, but just not, ya know...right now. Like we can talk about it and stuff, if that's cool? Maybe make some plans to make plans?  Definitely nothing right now. Except, well... sometimes I want a baby. And a house. And I want to weed a garden and mow the lawn. And sit on the couch drinking scotch with someone while we read books and listen to music.  Wait, here is an idea, what if we skip all the stupid dating and just fast forward to that last part!?! Minus the baby. And the weeding of gardens, let's be real.

I'm too independent I think, and then I catch myself moping around because so and so didn't text back. As if my entire existence hinges on that text for those moments. Sometimes I think I could be the worker, and he could be the stay at home dad. Except he'd have to be 100% masculine, so good luck finding that combination. A masculine man who isn't intimidated by a woman who can provide for herself AND for him. Ha! Good one. Either way, two minutes later I will think to myself, hell no, I want to be the trophy wife who works out at the gym and flies to Tahiti every winter, lunching with her socialite friends during the week while hubster slaves away.  And then there are times where I think, jeesh, wouldn't it be nice to just find my intellectual match and run away with him? Someone who can keep up with me in thought and conversation as well as in bed? And then we just travel.  Work a little to support our drinking and traveling, but not so much that we actually spend much time at it. And we don't buy into expectations or norms. We are equals. No "man" roles and no "woman" roles. Just us.

And then I think well shit, this is good content, I should write it down. And I will call it fickle, because after all, that's about it. Settling on one option eliminates the rest, and that is just something I hate to do.