I know that this is going to sound terrible, but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm not ready to deal with Aaron yet, he needs to wait. I'm not ready to free up space in my agony, in my mourning, for him. His services are this week and all I can think is that Leinie should have services. People should come pay their last respects to Leinie.
I know I am not supposed to compare them. I know it doesn't matter who was loved more. I know that everyone mourns differently. I know that no one is putting expectations on me other than myself. But for some reason, that's what this keeps feeling like.
It's not fair to Aaron's memory, losing them both so close together. My god, I loved that kid. Ask anyone who has known me longer than five years and they know about him. But I don't have time to be sad about him, I really just don't have room for more sorrow. Aaron got that Friday morning from me, and that's about it. Then the attention shifted to Leinie and I can't pull it back. (I don't want to pull it back.) Besides, I can see all the support and love that is being shared surround Aaron, and I know that plenty of people are collectively paying tribute to him, celebrating his life and his work. So I think, "well good, leave that for them then." And then I think, "god I hope Aaron didn't hear me think that." I'm going to hell.
Don't get me wrong, I love Aaron. I really did. I know this because I have lusted many people. Very few have I felt true love for, and I know I have because it never went away. And I will miss him very much. But we had our moment in the sun together. I will cherish all the things he brought into my life and the growth we
experienced together. He brought me so many new experiences, but our
memories had long since become dated. We had grown apart. The all consuming love I felt for him subsided over time, becoming that low vibration of love that you share with your friends. He was one of those people you just are thankful you have in your life, in whatever capacity. So maybe I can't deal with him yet because I don't recognize the loss yet. Our last conversation was exclusively emojis, back in February. I had invited him to visit me at least, but that was the extent of the effort put forth.
But then Leinie. That's a loss that was so instantly recognized it knocked me off my feet. I've never feared something so much, and yet known it was what needed to be done. I now know what it means to want nothing more than to know there is Heaven. He was my partner. My co-pilot. My shadow. My best friend. My son. My world. And aside from 10 months my Junior year of college, and 5 months for Thailand, he's been by my side for 11 years. Only 11, I was robbed. I hate it every day with such intensity. We were robbed of our time together. And he may have walked on four legs and been covered in hair, but he was my everything. He understood me better than anyone ever has. One day he was fine, and then suddenly he just wasn't anymore. The love I felt for him leaves me empty now. Sick to my stomach at all times. Numb. Hollow. Sick. Angry.
God dammit, I am fucking angry.
Going back to a time before Leinie goes so far back, it doesn't count as adulthood. Painful memories that, at times, I want nothing more than to roll around in, saturating myself in; other times I just want to block the very thought out and put up walls so high his memory doesn't exist, focusing just on that which is right in front of me.
I don't like people, currently. I suffer through every day, putting on a brave face at work so someone doesn't report me for being unfriendly. I try to exist, and when I don't think about him I have done alright. Laughing here and there even. And then days like today...and I come home and sob. Little things get me down and I just want to hold him, be with him. He would have distracted me and made it alright.
I got mad at the most ridiculous thing today, and even now, knowing how ridiculous it was, I react the same way. And I don't know how to prevent that feeling of anger, when the rest of the world has moved on and the implication that, "tick-tock bitch, time to move on already," is going to be here before I know it. And then what? I'm the crazy (single) girl who hates everyone and is miserable because her dog died and she can't get over it? Basically.
