I'm Ready

I almost didn't go, I'm not going to lie. The day before I had serious doubts about attending, but I went to bed knowing that I needed to. I needed to be forced into the situation with no excuses, no way out.  And the situation was me not dealing with Aaron's death.

I met his brother and a few friends from up north, and we caravaned to downtown. I felt like a cornered weasel, I didn't know what to do how to act, I was panicking and overthinking and not ready. I wasn't ready, but there I was. And the people, they just kept pouring in. At one point, this funeral home was filled to the brim. Its the biggest home I've ever seen, and Aaron and I walked past it many times together in our 9 years.

I have not had the best time dealing with this for many reasons. I hadn't actually talked him in almost a year, and those last words exchanged were fighting words. We had since "made up" but hadn't seen each other. About 2 months before I invited him up to visit me in the new house, and all we exchanged were Facebook stock emojis. To lose him, him of all people, with those as our last communications was easily one of the most devastating things Ive been through. You know, that and Leinie. Just to happens they happened at once.

I'm working on forgiving myself, for not mourning him and instead celebrating him and the amazing life he left behind. The last 5 weeks have been so hard. Changes at work completely complicated things and I've just felt lost, unmotivated, and trapped.

I'd say that today was the first day back, but that's untrue. Its the most recent attempt at coming back, all others before being short lived.  I'm ready to start tomorrow as a person who is healing, getting stronger.

Aaron was a huge chapter of my twenties, but I always envisioned that we'd live on as friends forever. We was the first man I ever really loved, he was someone that I always felt privileged to know and to be with, someone who never failed to teach me and expand my understanding of life. I am really, really fortunate to have loved such an incredible person. And even though I wasn't a big part of his life when it ended, I was a big part of his life.  It's easy to forget that and hate yourself, and I cherish the memory of Joe at the funeral, reminding me how much Aaron loved me and felt my love in return. I needed that reassurance.