I saw something recently which asked the question, do you equate good with smaller? In the context of how you look in a photo, in a mirror, etc... you can do all this work on yourself and feel good in your body, but when confronted with the image of self feeling it didn't live up to or match. In many ways I think my image usually DOES align with my happiness at that time, but dare I say my weight and happiness or self esteem have always been intrinsically unified. And I am sure I know the reason for much of my value issues. But that's not what this is.
I learned a very valuable lesson when I moved to Thailand. I learned that my body was capable of reshaping itself in really fast time with minimal changes to diet. It all came from sweat. I was always warm and I walked a lot. My body has a natural propensity towards athletic and lean, which was reinforced in Montello when the weight started just to naturally come off once stress (cortisol?) was removed. At first with almost no effort, the first thirty pounds comes off. The body starts to shed fat and water weight. It's slow, but steady. A year had started to reshape my face, but mostly it was in my abdomen and back, the main culprit again--stress.
But something was missing. All this change, all this pursuit of self... and yet I felt the same empty feeling. And it finally and suddenly all came together, the only way to feel whole was going to be to whole heartedly pursue myself. I didn't know what that looked like or what that even meant, but I knew it would involve physical activity. There was something broken or disconnected in the connection between my body and self, and only blood, sweat, and tears would fix that.
And as in all things, once focus was placed on self in a healthy way, a number of aspects of daily life improved because of my better relationship with myself. For once, a positive cycle spiraled out of control. Feeling better meant more dopamine which meant wanting to do it more. Showing up for myself meant finally being able to trust myself, which mean confidence and self love were no longer these abstract terms I was in pursuit of but just natural pleasant reactions to my own reflection for a change.
Watching my face and neck melt away as I got into the low 250s inspired stronger workouts, which developed a core. That core meant fat burning on turbo, so instead of hitting a plateau and stalling, my digits started to drop in the tens weekly for a period. I went from 250 to 200 in the blink of an eye before slowing down. Now things are much slower, but I know that I have stabilized. I dont have the weight to drop, my body is finally at a balanced state. What I lose now continues to be fat and I know this because of my body fat percentage.
I always thought once I lost weight all these doors would open for me, and even though they have its not for the reasons I expected. I dont think its my weight, but its the sparkle returned to my eye. Its the confidence in my step. Its the stamina as a I show enabling me to out perform competitors. Yes I have become a thousand times more successful in many ways but I know its more because of the better relationship with myself than it is with my smaller waistline.
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