It's hard to believe it's Christmas Day. Have I really been here nearly two months already? Christmas came without presents or decorations, without a prime rib feast... much like the Christmas from the Grinch movie I showed my students last week. It certainly isn't snowing out, but it is cold here by Thai standards. And even for me, I have acclimated enough that this 65F breeze is bone chilling. To top off the lack of holiday spirit, I am sick. Oh joy.
Back home, Christmas is my favorite. I love how festive people get, I love how friendly people become. I love opening presents with my nieces and nephew. I love preparing a big meal with my mom and listening to overplayed holiday jingles. I love to bake cookies and eat too many of them. Without any of this it is hard to believe it is already that time of the year!
No one owes happiness to any of us, and no one can create that happiness
except for ourselves. Most days lately, I have been doing amazing in
this department. I have savored every drop of happiness and found joy
in the smallest of packages. I've learned to embrace difficulty and
find the humor in it. But missing my White Christmas movie tradition
with my mom, or missing my dad quote every line from A Christmas
Story... these things are hard. Sometimes I forget that it was my decision to be alone, that it was my decision to move half way around the world. When I do forget, it's easy to get mad and to wish that people tried harder. And for that, I am sorry. Luckily, I usually snap out of those feelings pretty quickly. After all, it was I who moved away, it was I who decided to embark on this journey. It is up to me to find happiness and feel belonging. This is my struggle, not yours.
So even though it's hard to breathe and I feel like death warmed over, I am going to try harder to smile today. It might not feel like Christmas to me, all alone in Thailand, but it most certainly is. And I can be happy knowing that children are waking up in a few hours to gleefully open gifts in their adorable pajamas with their messy, uncombed hair. I can be happy knowing that, while I am not enjoying some "rare roast beast," the people I love are. And even if I am not with the people I love, and even if I sometimes feel like I have no idea what it going on in their world, I will be happy knowing that they love me and that they think of me.
I love you all!! Merry Christmas and thank you for reading!
I am so sorry you felt alone on Christmas! It wasn't much of a holiday here either.This postponing the holiday stuff is for the birds! We did have roast bird at Nick's and watch the Cowboys with John Wayne. Nick has a cold too, so I guess you two were more alike than You know. We think of you all the time and are so proud that you can stand alone. To be selfish, I am not always such a great gift to give you. I tried getting through White Christmas alone last night and couldn't make it to the end. With light of day I thought it would be safe to finish the movie this morning and now I am tearing up again writing you. Know that you are missed by all whose lives you have touched, but no more so than by your family that loves you!
ReplyDelete